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Post by Padowan on Apr 18, 2015 9:26:04 GMT -6
New and wary I stumble through readings and other follower's interpretations. Some people believe in fate and some do not. Some believe and others scoff. There are opposing beliefs and opposing skeptics. Belief or not, that is really the question. Power or powerless. Love or hate. The only thing left after the question is your decision. To act or inertia. To succeed or fail. To care or despair. Whether anything exists at all the greatest power I can ever possess is over my own mind, and the greatest Magick I can ever perform is in choosing the best actions to create the most benefit beyond myself. The only thing my power or magick can never do is repair the harm I've inflicted in the past. That power belong's to someone greater than myself. Today is my birthday. I sought out my Tarot birth card. It explains my compassionate nature some try to call weakness. I think otherwise.  crossroadstarot.com/loversbirthcard.htmlearntarot.com/maj06.htm |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 20, 2015 8:33:03 GMT -6
I'm late, but I wish you had an happy birthday.
"The only thing my power or magick can never do is repair the harm I've inflicted in the past."
Don't worry, even if at that time you deliberately harmed them that's not your fault. Only full Awakeness brings responsibility. A machine hurting another machine is not faulty.
A subject of reflexion/meditation : Did you choose your compassionate nature ?
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Post by Padowan on Apr 20, 2015 12:59:49 GMT -6
Upon further research my actual birth card calculation comes to 33, which is further reduced to a life path 6. I have now learned 33 is a Master Number. (Depending on the calculation method used. Using a different method I have a the cycles 4, 9 and 2) m.tarot.com/numerology/the-master-numbersI have no recollection of my life before perception. Not yet anyway, so I cannot answer if I chose my compassionate nature. It is innate as far as I can tell. Aside from Tarot numerology you're correct. A compassionate heart does have a weakness, the day you realize how few people care. Then the pendulum swings. Compassion becomes despair. The deeper you cared the deeper your pain. You're lucky if it doesn't kill you, or maybe you're lucky if it does. As they say, the greater the power the greater the responsibility. |
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Post by shawnhartnell on Apr 21, 2015 8:01:31 GMT -6
Happy Birthday!
And Yrright, kudos for this question: "Did you choose your compassionate nature?"
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Post by shawnhartnell on Apr 21, 2015 11:31:31 GMT -6
It is a good description of where you are at in general.
Side note: The Lovers is heavily mirrored in The Devil, is interwoven with Temperance, and the Emperor and Empress are lightly echoed in it.
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Post by Padowan on Apr 21, 2015 11:55:16 GMT -6
And that means...?
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Post by shawnhartnell on Apr 21, 2015 12:17:00 GMT -6
Which part?
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Post by Padowan on Apr 21, 2015 13:43:36 GMT -6
All of it.
It is my birth card. Does it apply across all birthdays afterwards?
And all of the side note.
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Post by shawnhartnell on Apr 21, 2015 14:00:40 GMT -6
Well, what doe you mean by birth card? What's the implications and scope of that?
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Post by Padowan on Apr 21, 2015 14:36:44 GMT -6
I have little knowledge of Tarot. All I did was enter my birthdate in a free Birth Card Calculator. I tried 3 different sites to verify the same card. Only one site came up with the Devil/Lovers combo.
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Post by shawnhartnell on Apr 21, 2015 15:11:22 GMT -6
Each of the Tarot cards represent states we can be in. If, for example, you were "in the Two of Swords" overall, you'd be in a tightly controlled and repressed state -- and this would be the background of everything else because it's the shape of your being, if that makes any sense. (And this is why Tarot is an excellent diagnostic tool, which probably makes less sense  ) Anyway, The Tarot as a whole is like a tapestry woven of different colored thread which is then cut up into individual sections. Each section (card) contains different amounts of each color, some colors and not others at all. These threads are the symbolic language of the cards. Water, for example, represent emotions. It's the element of the cups but appears in cards of all suits. The water pictured on a card expresses it's emotional tone and degree. Two of Swords : Repressed but Calm  Two of Petenacles : Clingy and Insecure  (another post coming...) |
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Post by shawnhartnell on Apr 21, 2015 15:34:44 GMT -6
The cards themselves also are "enmeshed" in each other. This is difficult to grasp (it was for me until the AHA! moment) so I'll illustrate. The Magician: Focusing (the energy of the Fool) towards a productive purpose.  The Lovers: Need for separate individuality vs being a member of a group (even if the group is two)  The Devil: The Magician + The Lovers + Inversion Notice the arms of the Magician and the arms of the Devil. There's other structural similarities, and they are meaningful in how they differ from the other two cards. (Ex. There's two "celestial beings" one is an angel, the other a devil. Ex.2 In The Lovers, they are joined by attention --the direction if their gaze, while in the Devil, they're bound by external chains and certainly not attention, interest, etc.)  |
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Post by shawnhartnell on Apr 21, 2015 15:41:26 GMT -6
So by my side note --
"Side note: The Lovers is heavily mirrored in The Devil, is interwoven with Temperance, and the Emperor and Empress are lightly echoed in it."
I was giving you the underlying structure I could think of off the top of my head. Tarot is very holistic. All the cards together add up to all and everything and they're all interconnected.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 21, 2015 15:49:39 GMT -6
Upon further research my actual birth card calculation comes to 33, which is further reduced to a life path 6. I have now learned 33 is a Master Number. (Depending on the calculation method used. Using a different method I have a the cycles 4, 9 and 2) m.tarot.com/numerology/the-master-numbersI have no recollection of my life before perception. Not yet anyway, so I cannot answer if I chose my compassionate nature. It is innate as far as I can tell. Aside from Tarot numerology you're correct. A compassionate heart does have a weakness, the day you realize how few people care. Then the pendulum swings. Compassion becomes despair. The deeper you cared the deeper your pain. You're lucky if it doesn't kill you, or maybe you're lucky if it does. As they say, the greater the power the greater the responsibility.
First being "rich", I mean lacking of nothing, strong, well centered. Then, at will give back and help others. Your only problem is that you gave before having enough for yourself. Yes few if any care of you and you end with nothing.
You're almost at it. I know the way, cheer up, a little work and the pain will be no more. Just a bit of meditation : who are you, what did you do of your life, how it could had been if only... What did you missed.
Don't be afraid ! No I'm not cruel and that will not kill you. Do it seriously, now (only now exist). All what is false and wrong in you will explode and let you free to be your true self. I promise pain and regret will vanish. I lived it before. |
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Post by shawnhartnell on Apr 21, 2015 15:52:24 GMT -6
My bad, I was thinking the 4 of Pentacles instead of the 2 for "Clingy"  |
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Post by Padowan on Apr 21, 2015 15:53:49 GMT -6
My bad, I was thinking the 4 of Pentacles instead of the 2 for "Clingy" What? |
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Post by Padowan on Apr 21, 2015 15:55:00 GMT -6
@yrreiht Thank you. |
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Post by shawnhartnell on Apr 21, 2015 15:57:39 GMT -6
My bad, I was thinking the 4 of Pentacles instead of the 2 for "Clingy" What? Above, when I gave a short definition of the Two - "Two of Petenacles : Clingy and Insecure" I had it confused with the Four. |
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Post by Padowan on Apr 21, 2015 16:10:53 GMT -6
So by my side note -- "Side note: The Lovers is heavily mirrored in The Devil, is interwoven with Temperance, and the Emperor and Empress are lightly echoed in it." I was giving you the underlying structure I could think of off the top of my head. Tarot is very holistic. All the cards together add up to all and everything and they're all interconnected. So you're saying I have Magician,Emporer, empress, and Devil attributes? |
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Post by shawnhartnell on Apr 21, 2015 16:30:27 GMT -6
So by my side note -- "Side note: The Lovers is heavily mirrored in The Devil, is interwoven with Temperance, and the Emperor and Empress are lightly echoed in it." I was giving you the underlying structure I could think of off the top of my head. Tarot is very holistic. All the cards together add up to all and everything and they're all interconnected. So you're saying I have Magician,Emporer, empress, and Devil attributes? You have the dynamics of the whole of the Tarot. I'm just saying if you looked in and around The Lovers, that's what you'd find connected to it -- off the top of my head. Think of it like the Enneagram. If you were at 3, you'd also be connected to 4,5,6, and 9. You forgot Temperance. |
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Post by Padowan on Apr 21, 2015 16:54:51 GMT -6
I've forgotten a lot of things. I looked into Tarot because this is the second time in my life I've been without direction. I was hoping to remind myself of who I was before all that was me came crashing down.
It's helping but it really feels more like a reflection. Those traits are me somewhere inside but they are suppressed. Rather than propelling me forward those core components are welling up and making me spin in circles. Without direction, without focus I'm swimming in stagnation and its pulling me under. Like a vortex or black hole. Something is caving inward.
Yrreiht said:
"You're almost at it. I know the way, cheer up, a little work and the pain will be no more. Just a bit of meditation : who are you, what did you do of your life, how it could had been if only... What did you missed."
Are these rhetorical questions?
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Post by shawnhartnell on Apr 23, 2015 1:46:13 GMT -6
Is that a rhetorical question? Who be ye asking? Yrrt or Moi? |
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Post by Padowan on Apr 23, 2015 11:48:51 GMT -6
shawnhartnell Yrreiht's questions, but you are welcome to read my reply. This will be a deeply personal answer of which I have no expectations of a response. This is a forum of personal growth and I am inviting you to walk along my mental path of self struggles. This is not a plea for pity. I am choosing to share in hopes that it may be beneficial. In reply to Yrreiht's queries for meditation: You are correct. I gave before I had anything to give. In fact, I gave an empty heart hoping that easing other people's pain would somehow fill it. Who am I? What did I do with my life? How could it have been? What did I miss? I began this life filled. I know I did. I remember it. But I am too sensitive. It doesn't take much to cut me. I've bled out every last drop. You may not meet a woman, especially an American one, that has spent more time alone, more time searching for her being. At twenty, while all my peers were partying, following the slave system of college and culture, I turned my back on the world. I stayed away, isolated, cut of from TV and people and society, until my 3rd decade of life. In those years, while trying to build strength I committed the worst wrong of my lifetime. It was against the very core of my being. I have forgiven those that have turned their backs on me. I have forgiven those that hurt me intentionally. I have forgiven those that betrayed me. But I cannot forgive myself. I have compassion for everyone but me. I am my own greatest disappointment. Some Satanists believe that looking inward allows you to face your demons. Looking inward I found I was the Demon. I have seen my Demon face and it has only created self-hate. I believed extending my life in compassion would somehow heal me; destroy the hate. How many hearts would I have to save to save my own? To be worthy of love? I sometimes wonder if the world's greatest Saints and Martyrs were trying to save themselves from their own demons as well. I realize this fight is my own. An internal divide. There is no amount of love on the outside that can heal me. I've been lucky for the ones that have tried. You say there is only 'now' yet my subconscious continues to haunt me. So many of my dreams are nightmares. Why do you think I want to conquer them? You say pain and regret will explode. Cheer up, you say. This is not a mood. Not simply an emotion. This is my core struggle. How do you hold hands with Hate? How do unify equal parts self-love and self-hate? Who am I? I am divided. I said the greatest power would be the power over my own mind. I believe that will be obtained when I kill the inner critic; my internal judge and jury. The day I finally destroy my own value system of right and wrong, and retribution. The death of my Conscience. That is going to take an enormous amount of Power. Knowledge is power, or so I've been told. I have decades of accumulated knowledge. I came here seeking answers. Guidance. It must be getting me closer because the pain has grown unbearable. At some point, if you are right, the internal friction will generate enough heat to explode away all the pain and regret. Like a dying star. Who do I want to be? I am working towards greater Consciousness to help clear me of my debilitating conscience. I want to be free of self-retribution. I want to stop hurting myself. No one has done greater damage to me than myself. I want to live Consciously. To have power over my demon. I want to love her. If I can do that there will be no more boundaries. I have fought long and hard. Weaker souls would have given up, instead I gave all that I am. Again, I am not asking for pity. I'm not giving up. I have too much fight left. (A musical interpretation of my fight.)
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Post by Deleted on Apr 24, 2015 15:11:58 GMT -6
I knew it. Everything takes place according to the plan, you're living what needs to be lived to get Awake, and everything happens for a reason ; life brought you on this forum at this very moment.
The feeling you describe is a good sign. Illusions, mistakes, weaknesses, fantasies, vanities are appearing for what they are : nothingness.
Let's move on, now your work should be self-remembering.
As much as possible, at every time of the day, remember... yourself. Remember you are here, now, realize hey, I'm living, now, in this place, I'm breathing, etc... In these moments (no limits, ll day long if you can), be as conscious as possible, try to simultaneously think to you, your feelings, what you are doing.
This spiritual exercise brings awesome results. Self-remembering is especially efficient when speaking to someone.
A word about nightmares. The last time I had a nightmare, I was seven, so it's not my specialty, but try cleaning your mind before sleeping. A powerful cleaning tool is self-observation : make a review all what's in your head, simply look them vanishing or loosing importance as soon as you understand why they are here in your mind. Observation and confidence.
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