Post by Cain Da'arnesh on Nov 30, 2012 21:07:19 GMT -6
Well many of you may have noticed at this point that I haven't been around recently... There is a good reason for this. I suppose I should start at the beginning. When my mother passed away from a brain tumor back in '05, I somehow felt responsible... Now logically, I know that I did the best I could and that there was nothing else I could have done. I know this! But somehow, I always felt responsible and have been carrying around that burden for quite some time. Anyway, for quite a while, I was reluctant to practice necromancy because I knew that I'd be tempted to call the shade of my mother.... I simply didn't want to mess with it because I didn't want that temptation.
But a sudden "spark" hit me a few weeks ago. I decided to do it on Sunday as that is the holy sabbat. But before I did anything, I knew a divination was in order. What's really curious is that when I believe a divination is warranted, I normally perform a detailed quantum ceremony with multiple spreads in order to reach into shadow time and pull out a desirable outcome. But for this instance, I somehow knew that a simple split hexagram spread in the normal dimension is all that was warranted... I just "knew" this, I can't really explain it. I didn't even use the guide to my tarot deck to explain the symbolism now that I think about it?
Anyway, the question was, "Would a necromancy ceremony involving Bune and my mother be helpful to my development?" And while I can't recall the exact cards that came up, the answer was clearly a resounding YES! I prepared the sigil and then took a ritual shower and prepared myself for what I was about to do. I then went into the bathroom where I'd have some privacy. I sat on the toilet and focused. I first used one of my mother-in-law's lancets to draw a small bit of blood from my left index finger so that I could smear it onto the sigil. (She's diabetic) I then went into a deep meditative trance after saying the enn of Bune and went to that little astral grove where I always meet spirits... I saw ferocious looking three headed dragon there and greeted it as Bune. Then I explained to it that I desired to channel my deceased mother and it explained to me that this isn't something to be taken lightly. That I'll need to take some time off from occult studies afterward so that I may recover. I agreed to the spirit's terms and Bune said, "It is done!"
What followed was a tremendous rush... I can't really explain it? Anyway, what I may assume was my mother then logically explained to me that her death was not my fault. That I should remember this and simply move on with my life. That I am truly free from this albatross I had been carrying around for over seven years... And then it was gone... I then went into the front yard and set the sigil ablaze with my Zippo... Now I later talked to my sister and told her that I'm honestly not sure how I feel about this whole thing. She recommended a free writing exercise What follows is what I wrote down in that exercise...
"I feel light. Like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders and I feel as if I should continue with my life at this point. I feel as if it’s finally over. Like I can finally just let this whole thing go and that I should just relax and take it easy. I feel sad that the reality of her death has finally hit me and at the same time, I feel relieved to know that she is in fact at peace. That her death was perhaps inevitable yes, but at the same time, I know that I should treasure the time I did have with her, no matter how brief it may have been in the grand scheme of things. I know now why I am so spiritual, no matter how much I tried to cut it off after her death, it just kept coming back in one form or another and Amon Ra waited for me because it’s obvious at this point that he knew his child would one day return. That draw is simply too powerful for me to ignore as I must continue my work. I now know that my mother liked me to explore in that way just the way she explored in her own life. That she enjoyed exploring the spiritual and the unknown just as I do and I now know that she would want me to continue my development, whether it be in the fourth way or any other path, as long as I in fact do have a path. I realize at this point that I became an atheist after her death because I didn’t want to be reminded. That by being spiritual, I would be reminded that she was no longer with me and that old wound would come ripping open when I did do what I liked to do. Although I know at this point that the wound has healed. That her words, no matter how brief, had a profound effect on me because they told me once and for all that it was not my fault. For years, I felt it was. Even though I know logically that there was nothing I really could’ve done, I somehow felt responsible. But with that weight now lifted, I can boldly go forth and claim what is mine through my practice. I am a Chaotic Pagan and the gods are forever by my side because I know them and they know me. I should honor and respect them yes, and still listen to what they have to teach me."
Alright now that I've had some time to think about it, I have four theories on what may have happened back there. Either what I contacted was actually my mother and she spoke to me. Or what I called was actually the mental representation of my mother and it explained these things to me. Or quite possibly what occurred was my conscious mind that knew her death was not my fault somehow found a way to contact my deep mind which did not and now that programming has been rewritten. Or just maybe, it was some combination of the events that I just described? I'm actually not sure? Although I highly doubt that any actual reasoning based upon this has any relevance...
Regardless of what actually transpired, I'm still pretty "shell shocked" over the proceedings back there and am still recovering I suppose? However rest assured, that I will one day return after this has had enough time to sink in and I'm ready and able to continue once more...
But a sudden "spark" hit me a few weeks ago. I decided to do it on Sunday as that is the holy sabbat. But before I did anything, I knew a divination was in order. What's really curious is that when I believe a divination is warranted, I normally perform a detailed quantum ceremony with multiple spreads in order to reach into shadow time and pull out a desirable outcome. But for this instance, I somehow knew that a simple split hexagram spread in the normal dimension is all that was warranted... I just "knew" this, I can't really explain it. I didn't even use the guide to my tarot deck to explain the symbolism now that I think about it?
Anyway, the question was, "Would a necromancy ceremony involving Bune and my mother be helpful to my development?" And while I can't recall the exact cards that came up, the answer was clearly a resounding YES! I prepared the sigil and then took a ritual shower and prepared myself for what I was about to do. I then went into the bathroom where I'd have some privacy. I sat on the toilet and focused. I first used one of my mother-in-law's lancets to draw a small bit of blood from my left index finger so that I could smear it onto the sigil. (She's diabetic) I then went into a deep meditative trance after saying the enn of Bune and went to that little astral grove where I always meet spirits... I saw ferocious looking three headed dragon there and greeted it as Bune. Then I explained to it that I desired to channel my deceased mother and it explained to me that this isn't something to be taken lightly. That I'll need to take some time off from occult studies afterward so that I may recover. I agreed to the spirit's terms and Bune said, "It is done!"
What followed was a tremendous rush... I can't really explain it? Anyway, what I may assume was my mother then logically explained to me that her death was not my fault. That I should remember this and simply move on with my life. That I am truly free from this albatross I had been carrying around for over seven years... And then it was gone... I then went into the front yard and set the sigil ablaze with my Zippo... Now I later talked to my sister and told her that I'm honestly not sure how I feel about this whole thing. She recommended a free writing exercise What follows is what I wrote down in that exercise...
"I feel light. Like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders and I feel as if I should continue with my life at this point. I feel as if it’s finally over. Like I can finally just let this whole thing go and that I should just relax and take it easy. I feel sad that the reality of her death has finally hit me and at the same time, I feel relieved to know that she is in fact at peace. That her death was perhaps inevitable yes, but at the same time, I know that I should treasure the time I did have with her, no matter how brief it may have been in the grand scheme of things. I know now why I am so spiritual, no matter how much I tried to cut it off after her death, it just kept coming back in one form or another and Amon Ra waited for me because it’s obvious at this point that he knew his child would one day return. That draw is simply too powerful for me to ignore as I must continue my work. I now know that my mother liked me to explore in that way just the way she explored in her own life. That she enjoyed exploring the spiritual and the unknown just as I do and I now know that she would want me to continue my development, whether it be in the fourth way or any other path, as long as I in fact do have a path. I realize at this point that I became an atheist after her death because I didn’t want to be reminded. That by being spiritual, I would be reminded that she was no longer with me and that old wound would come ripping open when I did do what I liked to do. Although I know at this point that the wound has healed. That her words, no matter how brief, had a profound effect on me because they told me once and for all that it was not my fault. For years, I felt it was. Even though I know logically that there was nothing I really could’ve done, I somehow felt responsible. But with that weight now lifted, I can boldly go forth and claim what is mine through my practice. I am a Chaotic Pagan and the gods are forever by my side because I know them and they know me. I should honor and respect them yes, and still listen to what they have to teach me."
Alright now that I've had some time to think about it, I have four theories on what may have happened back there. Either what I contacted was actually my mother and she spoke to me. Or what I called was actually the mental representation of my mother and it explained these things to me. Or quite possibly what occurred was my conscious mind that knew her death was not my fault somehow found a way to contact my deep mind which did not and now that programming has been rewritten. Or just maybe, it was some combination of the events that I just described? I'm actually not sure? Although I highly doubt that any actual reasoning based upon this has any relevance...
Regardless of what actually transpired, I'm still pretty "shell shocked" over the proceedings back there and am still recovering I suppose? However rest assured, that I will one day return after this has had enough time to sink in and I'm ready and able to continue once more...