Post by K'zin Z'tari on Apr 25, 2012 11:58:21 GMT -6
Greetings fellow Cultists
I have made my essay, and I have given it to Master Satanis and I mentioned that he could post it on the forum, he told me to fix it a little bit and then post it myself so that you could give your judgment and criticize, so please do so, I can take criticism, if you think it is good or bad or fine or terrible, then please say so.
And here it is as I wrote it and after some changes and I added a little bit more, so here I go
My life,before and after starting on the Fourth way
Before, I was introduced to the work, I was a slave to anxiety and depression, that has not gone away, on the contrary, it is sometimes overwhelming, but with the techniques from the Fourth way and being stubborn and not giving up, I can today monitor almost everything, I get sidetracked, but I am able to stop the train of thoughts and get back on track, much more easily.
I enjoy, being able to do what I do, for most parts, it is sometimes terrible, but before, I had almost nothing, no control, though I imagined I had some, I do magick with ease, I am good with people, I can make them run to me, or run away, or just leave me be, but I get along with them fine, lesser magick has always and always will be a big part of me, I am very successful, day to day, to get by, being on substances is hard, but no one who sees me without knowing me, could ever imagine what I do, I look just like any other man ,I dress well, I keep myself clean, I put much effort into having my surroundings in order and having clean clothes, I change socks and underwear every day.
So what has changed in the last 3 years, I have more self esteem, I am careful not to ruin my body like I was doing, I have a bigger perspective, I am able to visualize my thoughts, I was always able to, but now I do so with more control, I can have many things running around my head at once and I can make account of almost everything I do, I have learned to make my mind work for me better than before, I can put orders in and make it work them out, without having to be always thinking about it, it is like putting key words into a search machine and push enter and it does not take long, what ever I have learned properly, stays inside and I can look it up, whenever I want, this I always could do, but now it is much easier.
My depression and anxiety are more manageable, if I feel much anxiety ,if it gets overwhelming, I do not need medicine, if I feel it is taking to much toll,I can usually handle it by taking a walk or a can of beer does the trick, but just one can, I do not like getting drunk, I do not take downers or such, it just makes it worse, I was never so much depressed, I let others peoples emotions get to me, I can sense so much, it is almost like being able to read peoples minds, just by looking at them and hearing a few words and I can put myself in their shoes, I am very good at counseling, I have much experience and my friends often depend on me to help them solve difficult matters, I have learned to understand my dreams, most of them, and I can dig into peoples problems, if they tell me their dreams, I am very good at solving them, mostly.
I have put much effort into the work, I was able to point out my chief feature, it took more than 2 years, and after that time, I was down to depression, I was not sure about it, I thought over and over and then I gave an account to Master Satanis and his advice was to find out, why I was depressed and I have been able to figure much out, but I am not through with it, I have been able to get more balance and I am more stable, but there is still work to be done.
My feelings were always in my way, until I got better hold of them, I can feel almost everything around me, it is like having a radar, it does not always work, but I can sense in the air, what is going on, I have a sixth sense,or so to speak, it often tells me to go this or that way or do things or not to do them, after 3 years doing the work, I am learning to make more sense of it, most of the time the dreams and feelings are bullshit, but I am now more able to get the meaning of those things, as I grow older, I get more relaxed, I had this dream not so long ago and I was able afterwards to get the meaning of it, it told me what was no news, that many times I am in some circumstances, but I am often in so much hurry to get the results that I forget to look at every possibility and it fails in the end, because,I was in to much hurry to get to the end, I set this rule some years ago after reading it in a book by Crowley, to act without lust for result, that has not always been easy, but now I am starting to relax more and to mind my surroundings better, or I will overlook something important.
My daily schedule has changed and I do my best to follow what I have set for the day, though sometimes it does not go as I plan, I eat breakfast and I eat healthy, I like cooking and I cook almost every day, if I go out for food,the choice is almost always Chinese food, it is good for my stomach and pretty cheap, I do not eat fast food or junk, I can feel it in my body if I eat junk and I do not like it, I drink water and juice, I prefer strawberry juice ,I drink to much soda ,but I am changing that, it really messes up my stomach, but addiction has many forms, I started on sugar and I crave it, sometimes water or other fluids do not work and I crave the ripping feeling in my throat, it is crazy, but that is how it is,
What I focus on now, is to get balance and not let others emotions get hold of me, it sometimes takes much effort, I was an emotional junkie, I lost myself in others problems, but as I found out, I was doing so to avoid my own problems, I was always identifying with other peoples problems, I still do, but I notice quickly and can stop it before it gets hold of me, I remember how hard it was to start with, I felt like an addict, sobering up when I started to identify and stopping it, it is also like that with my own destructive thoughts, I notice when they start, but today, I can stop them quickly, it always feels like withdrawal, those many thoughts that have become so big part of my character, it is like tearing them off and it hurts, but I know that if I get lost in them, it can have dramatic effects on me and my mind and I can get sick from thinking them, so I stop, it has become more and more easy, as I learn the ropes and I am getting better at it every day.
I take long walks, I clean house, I play guitar and that is something I am very good at, playing and singing, I am told that I have a really good voice and often when I am depressed or stressed up, playing and singing helps to relief the tension, I can forget for some time and I drift back, I can read books again, now that the smoke cloud in my brain is dissolving, I enjoy most reading material, from comics to crime and fantasy or realistic books, the Fourth way books and similar stuff, I love comics, the old Don Rosa books, Uncle Scrooge is the toughest of any characters, though some may look at those books as children books, I do not do so, there is great philosophy in Donald duck and Scrooge Mcduck, this was what I was reading when I was young and I like it still, when I am waiting to see a doctor or in some office for appointment, I always look for good old Donald duck ,I like my childhood comics, Lucky Luke and Tintin and so on.
One thing I did was to dig into my own childhood, there were many aspects that came to my attention, that could only be related with my younger years, I had a rough time when I was young, it was told to me by my uncle that up to the age of 4, I was alright, but there was trauma, or so to say, I had to dig down deep, I do not remember this, I was told about it that a big shock happened and after that I changed, he said it was like big breakdown, I went from being sweet and nice, into being disturbed and difficult, just to clear all doubt, it has nothing to do with being abused or anything like that, my aunt who took much care of me moved away and at that age I could not handle it, my mother was often very busy with work so her sister took much time with me and when she got married and moved away, I freaked out, or so I am told.
But I was able to manage this, in school I was bullied constantly for years, I had anxiety and personality disorder at the age of 12, there started the pain, I got into abusing substances to deal with the pain and anxiety and that led to much more, well by digging into the past I have been able to get much understanding, I did also have many good times when I was young, and today those happy thoughts are more dominant then the bad times and it has been of much help, without doing the work, I would never have been able to take things this way, I have been able to see them in a different way, I do not hold any grudges and I go on, one thing I remember, when I was young and furious at life, for treating me like this, I thought that maybe one day I would be able to look back and be thankful for the hard times and that showed to be correct, last year I went through hell or so to speak, I was dealing with the identification and a broken heart and misunderstanding from people with authority and I have said many times that I am happy for having so many rough times in my life, nothing could have prepared me better for it than the difficulties in the past.
I say it is important to keep contact with your inner child, that I have done, I love going to toy stores and watch cartoons ,I like playing with kids and they love me because I can put myself so easily in their shoes and to read for little kids, I find very much fun in doing, I am good with kids, I have looked after a few in my life and they always love me and respect me
they learn soon, that I am no ordinary man, I can be like a little kid myself, when I am around them, but they learn not to mess with me, there are rules and standards I expect them to obey and that is better to get in good contact with kids, if one is able to remember ones childhood, how it was to be a child and so on.
Doing the work and being in a school and working with the students and teachers has been a real turning point in my life ,I found the Order when the time was right, I needed some change in my life and though some people still look at me as a loser, I have changed and I intend to keep on changing, though I have come to an halt, I have not asked for advice, I wanted to get some balance, changing this and that and changing my perspective, I gave myself 3 months and 4 have almost passed, but I have gotten most of the results I wanted and soon, I will pick up where I left and put more effort in my work, it is the most important thing in my life, it has changed so much, but there is still a lot to learn.
I have mentioned before and I say again, what I read many years ago, studying Yoga"When the pupil is ready the Master will appear "I waited long time, with patience and those words showed not to be some fable,they came true for my part.
END
So, this is it, I have been working on this for some time and last Sunday, I sent the first version, I was told to rewrite and improve it and so I did, I had to fix this and that and I have made some improvements, there were parts that were in the first version, I made better in this one and I hope some of you will enjoy this and maybe some will be able to learn, if just one person could be able to use this for some advantage, than it will be worth while.
I wish you all a good summer
Ia Ia Cthulhu F'htagn
K'zin Z'tari
I have made my essay, and I have given it to Master Satanis and I mentioned that he could post it on the forum, he told me to fix it a little bit and then post it myself so that you could give your judgment and criticize, so please do so, I can take criticism, if you think it is good or bad or fine or terrible, then please say so.
And here it is as I wrote it and after some changes and I added a little bit more, so here I go
My life,before and after starting on the Fourth way
Before, I was introduced to the work, I was a slave to anxiety and depression, that has not gone away, on the contrary, it is sometimes overwhelming, but with the techniques from the Fourth way and being stubborn and not giving up, I can today monitor almost everything, I get sidetracked, but I am able to stop the train of thoughts and get back on track, much more easily.
I enjoy, being able to do what I do, for most parts, it is sometimes terrible, but before, I had almost nothing, no control, though I imagined I had some, I do magick with ease, I am good with people, I can make them run to me, or run away, or just leave me be, but I get along with them fine, lesser magick has always and always will be a big part of me, I am very successful, day to day, to get by, being on substances is hard, but no one who sees me without knowing me, could ever imagine what I do, I look just like any other man ,I dress well, I keep myself clean, I put much effort into having my surroundings in order and having clean clothes, I change socks and underwear every day.
So what has changed in the last 3 years, I have more self esteem, I am careful not to ruin my body like I was doing, I have a bigger perspective, I am able to visualize my thoughts, I was always able to, but now I do so with more control, I can have many things running around my head at once and I can make account of almost everything I do, I have learned to make my mind work for me better than before, I can put orders in and make it work them out, without having to be always thinking about it, it is like putting key words into a search machine and push enter and it does not take long, what ever I have learned properly, stays inside and I can look it up, whenever I want, this I always could do, but now it is much easier.
My depression and anxiety are more manageable, if I feel much anxiety ,if it gets overwhelming, I do not need medicine, if I feel it is taking to much toll,I can usually handle it by taking a walk or a can of beer does the trick, but just one can, I do not like getting drunk, I do not take downers or such, it just makes it worse, I was never so much depressed, I let others peoples emotions get to me, I can sense so much, it is almost like being able to read peoples minds, just by looking at them and hearing a few words and I can put myself in their shoes, I am very good at counseling, I have much experience and my friends often depend on me to help them solve difficult matters, I have learned to understand my dreams, most of them, and I can dig into peoples problems, if they tell me their dreams, I am very good at solving them, mostly.
I have put much effort into the work, I was able to point out my chief feature, it took more than 2 years, and after that time, I was down to depression, I was not sure about it, I thought over and over and then I gave an account to Master Satanis and his advice was to find out, why I was depressed and I have been able to figure much out, but I am not through with it, I have been able to get more balance and I am more stable, but there is still work to be done.
My feelings were always in my way, until I got better hold of them, I can feel almost everything around me, it is like having a radar, it does not always work, but I can sense in the air, what is going on, I have a sixth sense,or so to speak, it often tells me to go this or that way or do things or not to do them, after 3 years doing the work, I am learning to make more sense of it, most of the time the dreams and feelings are bullshit, but I am now more able to get the meaning of those things, as I grow older, I get more relaxed, I had this dream not so long ago and I was able afterwards to get the meaning of it, it told me what was no news, that many times I am in some circumstances, but I am often in so much hurry to get the results that I forget to look at every possibility and it fails in the end, because,I was in to much hurry to get to the end, I set this rule some years ago after reading it in a book by Crowley, to act without lust for result, that has not always been easy, but now I am starting to relax more and to mind my surroundings better, or I will overlook something important.
My daily schedule has changed and I do my best to follow what I have set for the day, though sometimes it does not go as I plan, I eat breakfast and I eat healthy, I like cooking and I cook almost every day, if I go out for food,the choice is almost always Chinese food, it is good for my stomach and pretty cheap, I do not eat fast food or junk, I can feel it in my body if I eat junk and I do not like it, I drink water and juice, I prefer strawberry juice ,I drink to much soda ,but I am changing that, it really messes up my stomach, but addiction has many forms, I started on sugar and I crave it, sometimes water or other fluids do not work and I crave the ripping feeling in my throat, it is crazy, but that is how it is,
What I focus on now, is to get balance and not let others emotions get hold of me, it sometimes takes much effort, I was an emotional junkie, I lost myself in others problems, but as I found out, I was doing so to avoid my own problems, I was always identifying with other peoples problems, I still do, but I notice quickly and can stop it before it gets hold of me, I remember how hard it was to start with, I felt like an addict, sobering up when I started to identify and stopping it, it is also like that with my own destructive thoughts, I notice when they start, but today, I can stop them quickly, it always feels like withdrawal, those many thoughts that have become so big part of my character, it is like tearing them off and it hurts, but I know that if I get lost in them, it can have dramatic effects on me and my mind and I can get sick from thinking them, so I stop, it has become more and more easy, as I learn the ropes and I am getting better at it every day.
I take long walks, I clean house, I play guitar and that is something I am very good at, playing and singing, I am told that I have a really good voice and often when I am depressed or stressed up, playing and singing helps to relief the tension, I can forget for some time and I drift back, I can read books again, now that the smoke cloud in my brain is dissolving, I enjoy most reading material, from comics to crime and fantasy or realistic books, the Fourth way books and similar stuff, I love comics, the old Don Rosa books, Uncle Scrooge is the toughest of any characters, though some may look at those books as children books, I do not do so, there is great philosophy in Donald duck and Scrooge Mcduck, this was what I was reading when I was young and I like it still, when I am waiting to see a doctor or in some office for appointment, I always look for good old Donald duck ,I like my childhood comics, Lucky Luke and Tintin and so on.
One thing I did was to dig into my own childhood, there were many aspects that came to my attention, that could only be related with my younger years, I had a rough time when I was young, it was told to me by my uncle that up to the age of 4, I was alright, but there was trauma, or so to say, I had to dig down deep, I do not remember this, I was told about it that a big shock happened and after that I changed, he said it was like big breakdown, I went from being sweet and nice, into being disturbed and difficult, just to clear all doubt, it has nothing to do with being abused or anything like that, my aunt who took much care of me moved away and at that age I could not handle it, my mother was often very busy with work so her sister took much time with me and when she got married and moved away, I freaked out, or so I am told.
But I was able to manage this, in school I was bullied constantly for years, I had anxiety and personality disorder at the age of 12, there started the pain, I got into abusing substances to deal with the pain and anxiety and that led to much more, well by digging into the past I have been able to get much understanding, I did also have many good times when I was young, and today those happy thoughts are more dominant then the bad times and it has been of much help, without doing the work, I would never have been able to take things this way, I have been able to see them in a different way, I do not hold any grudges and I go on, one thing I remember, when I was young and furious at life, for treating me like this, I thought that maybe one day I would be able to look back and be thankful for the hard times and that showed to be correct, last year I went through hell or so to speak, I was dealing with the identification and a broken heart and misunderstanding from people with authority and I have said many times that I am happy for having so many rough times in my life, nothing could have prepared me better for it than the difficulties in the past.
I say it is important to keep contact with your inner child, that I have done, I love going to toy stores and watch cartoons ,I like playing with kids and they love me because I can put myself so easily in their shoes and to read for little kids, I find very much fun in doing, I am good with kids, I have looked after a few in my life and they always love me and respect me
they learn soon, that I am no ordinary man, I can be like a little kid myself, when I am around them, but they learn not to mess with me, there are rules and standards I expect them to obey and that is better to get in good contact with kids, if one is able to remember ones childhood, how it was to be a child and so on.
Doing the work and being in a school and working with the students and teachers has been a real turning point in my life ,I found the Order when the time was right, I needed some change in my life and though some people still look at me as a loser, I have changed and I intend to keep on changing, though I have come to an halt, I have not asked for advice, I wanted to get some balance, changing this and that and changing my perspective, I gave myself 3 months and 4 have almost passed, but I have gotten most of the results I wanted and soon, I will pick up where I left and put more effort in my work, it is the most important thing in my life, it has changed so much, but there is still a lot to learn.
I have mentioned before and I say again, what I read many years ago, studying Yoga"When the pupil is ready the Master will appear "I waited long time, with patience and those words showed not to be some fable,they came true for my part.
END
So, this is it, I have been working on this for some time and last Sunday, I sent the first version, I was told to rewrite and improve it and so I did, I had to fix this and that and I have made some improvements, there were parts that were in the first version, I made better in this one and I hope some of you will enjoy this and maybe some will be able to learn, if just one person could be able to use this for some advantage, than it will be worth while.
I wish you all a good summer
Ia Ia Cthulhu F'htagn
K'zin Z'tari