Post by K'zin Z'tari on Mar 21, 2012 2:42:04 GMT -6
I remember,almost 3 years ago,when I first came here,I was working in the country,I was fat and lazy and I was in such a bad shape,that my life was constant struggle,since I woke up in the morning until I went to sleep.
Little did I know then,that I was just at the starting point and if I had been told then what was to become,I would probably have died from anxiety,my life had come to a halt,I was so depressed,that I was then and had been for many years,always fighting against waking up in the morning,I did not want to face the reality,I could not get out of bed,without having something to pick me up and even after I had taken my morning dose,I just went back into bed and kept on struggling,I just wanted to sleep,that was all I wanted to do.
Much happened in the following months,I started to do the Great Work,I was monitoring myself,I had come pretty good at that,after all,I had been hiding for so long,just watching others perform and I saw after looking at myself for some time,that I was always letting myself get lost in others problems and never doing anything for myself.
When almost a year had passed,I was starting to be able to be constantly monitoring myself and I had seen many flaws in my personality,a little bit of that,was always throwing me off,I was not then able to do anything about it,but watch,I was in much contact with the teachers,I was working closely with other Cultists,the advices I got,were not wasted,I used all the knowledge I was given and what I could get from other Cultists,reading posts on the forum,I was reading Fourth way books,but the best aspects of my work,came from being in the order,the Fourth way school,the Cult of Cthulhu and I was much thankful.
Then it came to the thing that many are afraid of,one of the hardest part of the work,IDENTIFICATION,yes,once you go there,you can never go back,I remember,how awful it was,it was terrible,but there was nothing to do,but keep on working,I could not stop this process,I had to see it through,after all,who would want to go back?
I used many things to deal with this and I am not talking about any substances,I was using,abusing,but that was not the biggest problem anymore,it was to be able to go through this awful process,everything I had taken for granted was turning against me,there was no joy any more,there was only pain and sorrow,seeing through the false ideas,watching others in their sleep,why could I not just go back to sleep and have it easy like the rest,normal people did not have any idea how easy it was for them to life their lifes,but still they were always complaining.
After going through Hell,back and forth,and constantly working,there was nothing else to do,I knew that this would change my life to the better,I did not know when,I just knew,after all this torture,I was finally able to get into much better position,I got a good home and responsibilities,I took pride in my work,I had manage to loose much weight,I was in much better shape,I was starting too see results,but I was still struggling,there were many things I had to do still.
There was still the anxiety,but I was able after all this time monitoring,to start to turn it to my advantage,I could feel so much,I had pain with this disorder and I was able to use that pain,I could manage it,and I felt how I was working against myself,but the harder it pushed me,the harder I fought back and I was making progress,at that time,that was all I had,the work and the pain.
Before I got introduced to the Cult, I was so fat,that I could barely move,without sweating and I was always so tired,I could not even go to shop for groceries without having to stop on the way to rest,at that time I had anxiety attack every time I had to go shopping or just go out at all,but now I could feel it much better,it was holding me back and I did not like it and I began to struggle against that and it was one of the hardest things I had encountered,the anxiety had made this program in my mind and body,that everything was difficult,even going to the grocerie store,I could feel it so clearly when I was walking there,it was like walking into a storm,my old self was pushing hard,but I was determined,not to let it get hold of me and fight back,that after some time,it was gone,just like that,all I had to do was to set my mind to it and it came rolling and I was thinking,all this time I had been like this,my self working against myself,but it was much easier than I had thought.
Yes,it was the fear of change that was mostly holding me back,but I fought and I struggled and I was able to take control.
Today I use every opportunity I get to walk,if I see that I have to wait 20 minutes for the bus,I walk,If I have to go somewhere and the weather is good,I walk,even if the weather is terrible,I mostly walk and in the summer I ride my bicycle,I use all the chances I get,to get exercise,I am in good shape,I was 100 kilos,when I started on this path,today I am 75 kilos,I eat healthy,I do not eat junk food because it is easy and I do not have to put effort into it,I prefer to cook for myself,good healthy food and I feel so much better.
Every one that is determined to do the work can do this,it is not as hard as you think,like I said,it was the fear of change that was my biggest enemy.
Awake
K'zin Z'tari