Post by lokidreaming on Mar 11, 2012 20:45:42 GMT -6
10th Saturday March 2012 - 12th Monday March 2012
Had my headphones on, and as the song was changing I heard loud familiar music from outside my room and was wandering who was listening to 5 Finger Death Punch, then realized it was the new guy on my floor, just adjacent to my room. I had been meaning all week to say hi to him all week due to having similar tastes in music but was nervous to and I knew I had to say hi to him as a way of practicing the lessons that I was the taught the past week.
Those lessons were, if you provoke people for a reaction I have to face the consequences of my actions and how that too much life experience can be a burden and a barrier to break through and how I was letting certain life experience hinder me and that other people my age (in their 30s) was also facing this problem and introverting themselves and being skittish in nature due to their experiences of life and dismissing other people after a few minutes of conversation due to them making up their mind what type of people they are based on their life experiences, when in fact that can't see that they also act like a caged up animal going crazy after being let out for the first time in a long time.
e.g., A dog who goes for a walk every day is more sociable and controllable where as a dog who is locked up day after day, gets really excited and runs out of the gate 100 miles an hour and greets others really enthusiastically and therefore it appears the dog is unruly and uncontrollable, when in fact it is the MASTER(S) fault which I relate to the introverted 30 somethings around me (the 30 something master(s) are equivalent to the many little I's in 4th way terminology).
I knew to continue being skittish like those around me was the wrong course of action to take and that I needed to take more ownership of my actions.
So, I decided to use the 5 Finger Death Punch song to use as a way to break the ice and say hi.
Turned out he is a Canadian, which stoked my interest as I have encountered Canadian culture intermittently since I was a teen and had made two really good Canadian friends in the last 12 months.
We started to talk about music and stuff, and then I baited him a little with stuff on spirituality to test if he was receptive and he was, it was a slow process of trading information as it is always the case in situations like this.
Why I baited him?
Best explanation is due to my accumulative experiences and observations, he had that energetic vibe and mannerisms that hinted he was well informed on all matters, even if only in a general way, therefore he will be fervently receptive or fervently opposed to the info I presented him, so, in either case, it would be good for my growth in all aspects of my life.
This to and fro (from my perspective) ended him doing a reading for me and in turn to see how psychic I was.
My first reaction was to scream inside silently and go should have kept to myself, which I did and then had a thought of if I should try and escape out of his room ASAP.
He literally got all the junk from round his room and spread it out on the floor in front of me and said this is about you, this is all about you, what do you see?
I half fought not to freeze up as I tend to in situations like this as I still didn't know how seriously to take him.
As the litter, which considered of sugar packets, random paying cards, random business cards, a few church advertising material, quotes from famous people, bottles of water, newspaper, hair ties, stones and pebbles, a muffin, dried plums (chinese style) , a condom etc. he kept on repeating this is about you, what it mean to you and breath this in, the time, what is the time, the time is significant and he picked up random objects and went this is you, it represents you, c'mon what does it mean to you, this is about your present, future and past.
I was still dumbfounded to say a word, as I was waging a silent war to resist or to submit to the reading.
I understood how some of the pieces fit and what they meant, but not confident I had the right terminology/analogy or interpretation or if I was too busy being a dutiful student or thinking too much and not feeling my way through it which I knew instinctively from the start that I should do.
I found the process of twirling my keys in my left hand comforting and that that twirling process was aiding me in this process and I likened this twirling process to a chain of rosary beads in a nun�s hand.
Then I was posed what does it mean if I put next to it and if I put this here next to these two items what does it mean now?
I was still dumbfounded and still slightly confused and knew that he was right due to I could start to see patterns forming e.g., there was this promo card with the word wish list and underneath it was this business card for this place called COUNTRY which served Vietnamese foods, steaks, noodles, salads, souvoulakis, milkshakes etc, which summed up neatly the type of person I am and it reflected a personal enlightenment I had experienced in which I discovered the one word that describes me is MONGREL :- I am a bit of everything and cannot be just one thing and those two card combinations also reflected back to me my hopes and dreams for the future.
I was now kicking myself for not studying and practicing runes, tarot cards, I ching and etc earlier as this is going to be a very painful and arduous task and may need to take a mental note of the items here for latter reference e.g., Jack of Spades, what the hell does that represent and knew that I should of paid more attention to a certain chapter in a certain book.
Then out of the blue he said take this is yours, and take this as this is yours as I was meant to give you this.
I have now got a bag of this litter in my room to better understand my reading and have accepted this litter as gifts of power.
I am amused by this as this is an amusing way of learning one man�s rubbish is another�s treasure.
There was three bottles in the shape of a pyramid which I saw as the upper pyramid of certain diagrams reflecting the higher states of consciousness and where GOD resides and there was this picture of a guy just outside this pyramid which I related to myself.
I realized that I needed to be more confident in myself and I am not that stupid as a person or as an occultist that I have lead myself to belief and start taking peoples advice on my strengths and weaknesses and my potent potential more seriously and in turn take myself more seriously which in part related to taking the 9 Not Doings more seriously last week and the lessons I learnt this the past week.
One of my analogies for this is I should stop dumbing myself down due to my fear of succeeding and my fear of failure.
In the middle of this pyramid there was three bottles which I related to the Sephiroth Da'ath and the possible tunnels/paths that was possible/open to me to journey through the Da�ath, then he went chose a bottle, you can only choose one, then he added more items for me to choose from, most of them was outside of the pyramid and he encouraged me to pick them up and explore them, I ended up choosing the lip gloss as to me it represented sexual freedom that I needed to accomplish, so in a way I choose sexual freedom as a path to free my (higher) self/consciousness.
Then he asked me to choose another item, I was tempted to choose something easy like a water bottle, but I knew better to cheat myself and be a coward like that by taking one of the easiest options, so I choose the chinese ice tea bottle to symbolize my need to make peace with the way I see and behave towards my own race.
At the bottom of the litter pile was this pink piece of paper with the quote What would the world be like if the great thinkers, writers and philosophers kept quite? I saw this as the beginning of an individual�s journey on the path of self-discovery and enlightenment.
He kept putting litter in between the bottom of the pyramid and the pink piece of paper.
I realized how cluttered my life was and realized there was stuff I needed to get rid of (even if some of the stuff that I need to get rid of I cannot see or understand what to get rid of at this present moment) and I needed to get my terminology right and start classifying stuff correctly to make the clutter more organized, then I was thinking about the chaos pattern and how I am more of a CHAOS person so how much of this litter should I organize? But I know I should get the classifications right.
Outside of that upper pyramid was other litter which he said was your future.
One of them was a yellow fly swat, which I interpret as that I will eventually handle irritating situations with more style and less effort and more maturity as oppose to my life right now in which he pointed out that there are a lot of weapons in the litter.
I know that each individual litter or groups can represent my actual real future, my hopes and dreams for the future and just plain old red herrings designed to complicate an already complicated situation(s).
After the reading, he thanked me for taking him seriously and not say shut up and this is BS like everyone else and I replied back thank you and that I am glad I decided to come and talk to him and both agreed this reading wasn't what we had in mind happening that day at all.
He complimented on me on my CHAOS in terms that I was a CHAOS person who is very rebellious and defiant and too modern for my own kind.
I was floored and taken back as I am not used to people complementing me on my CHAOS personality as people tend not to be handle it and disappear from my life WHETHER it is them cutting ties with me OR ME slowly nudging them out of my life due to them not being able to handle my CHAOS.
AS I am writing this, I have just made peace with my CHAOTIC side and nature and the trick now is to remember it and not forget about it like some revelations I have made in the past.
In turn I feel another stage of the crystallization stage happening and am really eager to see what kind of fugly (f***ing ugly) beautiful moth I will turn into and that I shouldn't be afraid to let the monster(s) that I am trying to hold back from emerging from me.
EPILOGUE FOOTNOTES
Part I
*I have observed that knowledge and understanding comes in trickles, which leads to frustration and then BAMM comes a torrent of knowledge and understanding like what has happened to me the past week and this is a natural process, so this is one of the reasons why it is of utmost important to keep improving your mental and emotional strength/barriers by methods of doings like uncluttering your life as it can be very dangerous if one encounters one of these torrents and it overflows and they struggle with this overflow of energy.
*In turn, I should take grounding exercises more seriously.
*Provoking people (can) have beneficial affects/effects.
*I am also seeing and treating this as a crash lesson(s)/course on the practical side/nature of occult/shaman/sorcery etc. workings.
*I have finally now gained the much needed understanding and clarity regarding the functions of the Sephiroth and the related paths to them which I have been struggling with majorly.
e.g, Instead of knowing it on a scholarly level and repeating it for word for word, I can finally feel the essence of them through my body and I know at times like this I have finally made the necessary breakthrough(s).
*I have gained more clarity and understanding regarding LHP, both western and eastern ways.
*I do agree that when one is a child that is mean they form their impressions and mechanical ways of their motor skills due to the environmental and social conditions again, however there is another time frame which is as equally important, which is the time frame of late teens or about the time the individual leaves home to the age of 30 (roughly) as this is the time when the individuals true character/being emerges and struggles to break free and this process has been misinterpreted very badly most of the time and there should be more support for this age group.
*I am not a JEDI but a DARK JEDI (SITH), so stop trying to kid myself as that is the only person I am kidding on this matter and be comfortable with the choices I have made on this path and where I stand/am positioned on this path and the reasons why.
WHATS DONE IS DONE so COME WHAT MAY
More positive and chirpy? Yeah, I know!!!! Just couldn�t find a chirpier may to express it.
*I also understand some of these litter may not end up so beneficial to me.
*I also understand that some will see this reading as WTF and amateurishly dangerous.
*As it is possible that he winged some of the process
Belief IS Reality and one is taught/encouraged to come up with their own system of magick and I believe he has found his own system of magick even though he may not be fully aware of that fact.
Also, this was the tail end of a period of self-discovery of personal power for me, so I was meant to partake in this reading.
*What I understand is that he is what I term a WILD NATURAL SORCERER.
*Someone who is naturally talented but not properly trained in terms of occult thought and occult standards.
*I in turn should stop trying letting the process of knowledge assimilating and transmutation interfere with my own WILD NATURAL SOCCERRERNESS as that is an important part/source of my own personal power.
*I would say that these types of practitioners have one of the most intense energetic energy fields I have sensed in my life so far, which ties in with my experience that one�s energy field(s) gets stronger and more forceful in nature with time and experience (he is in his 50�s) and that people seeing/sensing energy as good vs. evil and not feeling it as just intense energy and erroneously labeling it bad limits one in sensing the true energy vibrations/signature of the energy field they are sensing.
*The energy I felt from him was liken to our energies exchanging and informed him that he is most likely a psychic vampire and he agreed that I in turn was one.
*I should take him seriously on that I am a psychic vampire and stop worrying that I don�t meet all the suppose qualifications to be classed/labeled as one?
*Which in turn stop worrying if I am actually a shaman or not?
e.g,
I have not to my current recollection have had my soul torn to pieces and put back together (am I thinking too literally on this?), however I have been contacted by organic beings in forms of animals and had someone die after I made a major decision regarding my spiritual/LHP path which coincided with the time period of my 30th birthday and always had to sacrifice something in order to get where I am even though I was blind to the fact that I was sacrificing something up due to my wrong views and ego behaviour clouding these exchange processes, but everyone goes through these kinds of tradeoffs on the spiritual path, so this really isn't a sign of if I have been called to be a shaman?
*In turn I should from now on try and volunteer offerings to sacrifice to show my devotion, commitment and gratitude (like choosing that lip gloss and chinese ice tea bottle)? Than being made to give up something when not ready to give it up.
Stupid question as I know the answer to as I am writing this.
(See why communication with other people on the same path or group as you and writing your thoughts down say journals or essay an important part of the spiritual/LHP/occult path?)
*Just realized that I was the one doing most of the reading and he was poking and prodding me all the way across the finish line.
(Another reason why journal/essay writing/communication process is important)
*Should stop procrastinating and finally get my rune stones, tarot cards, i ching and get my alters and portals etc set up now.
*Very nervous over the next stage of my development as I feel it will be liken to a baptism ritual (a commitment ritual) and not sure if I am worthy of it.
Part II
*Am I being honest enough with myself regarding why I am on the LHP and why I am about to fully commit myself to the darker currents of the LHP?
*IS it worth it to sacrifice everything for my devotion and love of the LHP?
*Hesitant now if I should post this and have this advice ringing in my head:- How much criticism do you want? What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, right?
Part III
*Moving out of the backpackers and into a hostel and taking up a Hospitality Management Course has been one of the best decisions and trade-offs so far.
I am slightly dumbfounded and confused as I procrastinated moving out of the backpackers for months on end, paralyzed by doubts and what ifs.
*So was something giving me a guiding push in the right direction?
As I always have felt that when I get sidetracked for too long, I get a mighty shove in the direction I am supposed to be going/traversing.
* My procrastination is one of my strengths that I need to channel and fine tune?
*Am I getting procrastination and sense of timing mixed up?
As I have a strong history of jumping ship at the right time even though I think I am doing the wrong thing and just reacting and in turn have developed a reputation as always going where the grass is greener in a bad context by the uninitiated which is a very difficult negative force to neutralize or contain.
PART IV
I have a bad habit of not sharing/revealing my progress as I am bashful and scared of the feedback and repercussions of the feedback.
e.g., I recently was able to physically experience time slowing down and speeding down and experimenting with the speed and at times I understood the old stories like the faieries in the cave and the Greek stories of heroes spending years in one place and only thinking it a couple of days.
You can? Then prove it.
This is the part I want to avoid, so I don't really share due to I fear ridicule that I am a fake and wannabe if I fail to explain myself in a satisfactory manner or reproduce the above stated results and partly because I know how catty others on the path can be and the divided divisions which I have been a victim of myself and also laying yourself bare and open wide for attacks and hope nobody in the tribe/group decides to have a go at you pettily(also referring to people in the tribe/group for the wrong reasons eg, trolls, spies, freeloaders and such).
One way of stopping being skittish and an introverted 30 something year old and working on my trust issues is by sharing this hurdle with you.
PART V
* Being a lone wolf and having to join a pack of wolves and learn to work properly in a pack environment is very scary for me.
*Am I ready to be an ODO and melt in with the rest of the groups� consciousness?
*Am I ready to be 7-0-9 and plug into the great BORG HUB and share my consciousness with others?
*I understand the two groups that I will be dedicating myself fully to be liken to joining a tribe which is liken to joining a tribe of SPARTAN WARRIORS or SONS OF ANARCHY or even the MAFIA as once you are in, you are in it for life.
*I understand the PROS AND CONS of a tribal environment like this which I relate to IRISH MYTHOLOGY and how their heroes blindly follow rules and traditions no matter the price they pay to show their loyalty which I find idiotic, stupid and a waste of talent, life and traditions and an end of a civilization.
*No matter my reservations, I am ready to submit to the tribal requirements required of me, no matter how much it pains me and no matter how much I may sulk on the inside.
*However, I must confess I have never been a very well behaved tribe member/student as I can get very bored behaving myself all the time (HINT: - MONKEY) and am expecting to from time to time get a (good) telling off.
I am enjoying provoking my younger classmates for a reaction and I admit the process of provoking them and a few of their unexpected reactions started me on this week long of self-discovery.
PART VI
"LIFE IS TO BE LIVED AND NOT TO BE FEARED" - Marie Currie
Quote from one my 20th Birthday card and I should stop living in fear like I have most of my life.
About bloody time that I did.
So, what say you all?
(Especially on Epilogue/Footnotes Part: -III)
Belief IS Reality
Loki Dreaming I�
ps:- 11th Sunday, March 2012
Started reading The Vampire Codex after combing through my backlog of PDFs, that is waiting to be read and finding it ties in with the experiences and lessons that I have gained the past week or so and in tune finally acknowledge fully that I can Divine by Book, my way of saying that I find info on what I am struggling on when I need it/when the time is right for me to know.
Also I need to embrace and get used to my own energies and the energies around me more as preparation for my portal workings and other practical workings.
Also, I have mainly been relying heavily on my natural abilities and winging it, due to my doubts and insecurities if I am good enough for the practical works and to see how good I am/strong my natural abilities are. After writing this essay/progress update I know I need to put my energy into partitions/compartments and learn to drip feed my energy, maintain my energy levels and learn to reserve energies so I don�t feel so run down after writing a journal entry/essay like this or run down after doing practical workings.
Just had another revelation, I can�t be good or bad as it is in my being/nature to be good and bad at the same time
E.g., I have always been the best worker and the worst worker at work, due to my work hard, party hard style.
I have always been a good student and a bad student at the same time.
Lastly as I was writing part of this, The Dark Night was playing on tv, I was puzzled why so many people like the movie and consider it the best Batman movie, when it is mainly about advance psychological warfare and making the other person face the real world and/or the horror of the situation and not the idealized world they live in and if they can�t handle it and they go crazy, then so be it and serves them right.
In trying to figure this puzzle out I came to a realization that I know I can�t help but provoke people for a reaction as I feel it is a part of who I am and it works for me to gain strength and help me gain new knowledge and personal power.
After all I am A GEMINII in western horoscope and a MONKEY in chinese horoscope and they both have identical traits and I also gravitated and felt sympathy for LOKI since I was a kid and am gravitating towards Ny heavily also and when I was a teenager I went around practicing manipulating people like the characters on Melrose Place and Beverly Hills 90210.
I know the above statement is in no way an appropriate defence for provoking people.
Pss:- I recommend people have discussions with non-violent activists as they PROVOKE you with their words games, subtle character assassination attempts, burying your statements under lots of jargon and long words, twisting your words and statements around and deny it, then accuse you of doing the same thing as this process makes you a stronger person, especially mentally and emotionally.
I think I need to find myself one of those this week and PROVOKE them into PROVOKING me.
Psss:- As you can see this essay/update has taken a life of its own and I love it how the spiritual path acts like a truth serum.
Had my headphones on, and as the song was changing I heard loud familiar music from outside my room and was wandering who was listening to 5 Finger Death Punch, then realized it was the new guy on my floor, just adjacent to my room. I had been meaning all week to say hi to him all week due to having similar tastes in music but was nervous to and I knew I had to say hi to him as a way of practicing the lessons that I was the taught the past week.
Those lessons were, if you provoke people for a reaction I have to face the consequences of my actions and how that too much life experience can be a burden and a barrier to break through and how I was letting certain life experience hinder me and that other people my age (in their 30s) was also facing this problem and introverting themselves and being skittish in nature due to their experiences of life and dismissing other people after a few minutes of conversation due to them making up their mind what type of people they are based on their life experiences, when in fact that can't see that they also act like a caged up animal going crazy after being let out for the first time in a long time.
e.g., A dog who goes for a walk every day is more sociable and controllable where as a dog who is locked up day after day, gets really excited and runs out of the gate 100 miles an hour and greets others really enthusiastically and therefore it appears the dog is unruly and uncontrollable, when in fact it is the MASTER(S) fault which I relate to the introverted 30 somethings around me (the 30 something master(s) are equivalent to the many little I's in 4th way terminology).
I knew to continue being skittish like those around me was the wrong course of action to take and that I needed to take more ownership of my actions.
So, I decided to use the 5 Finger Death Punch song to use as a way to break the ice and say hi.
Turned out he is a Canadian, which stoked my interest as I have encountered Canadian culture intermittently since I was a teen and had made two really good Canadian friends in the last 12 months.
We started to talk about music and stuff, and then I baited him a little with stuff on spirituality to test if he was receptive and he was, it was a slow process of trading information as it is always the case in situations like this.
Why I baited him?
Best explanation is due to my accumulative experiences and observations, he had that energetic vibe and mannerisms that hinted he was well informed on all matters, even if only in a general way, therefore he will be fervently receptive or fervently opposed to the info I presented him, so, in either case, it would be good for my growth in all aspects of my life.
This to and fro (from my perspective) ended him doing a reading for me and in turn to see how psychic I was.
My first reaction was to scream inside silently and go should have kept to myself, which I did and then had a thought of if I should try and escape out of his room ASAP.
He literally got all the junk from round his room and spread it out on the floor in front of me and said this is about you, this is all about you, what do you see?
I half fought not to freeze up as I tend to in situations like this as I still didn't know how seriously to take him.
As the litter, which considered of sugar packets, random paying cards, random business cards, a few church advertising material, quotes from famous people, bottles of water, newspaper, hair ties, stones and pebbles, a muffin, dried plums (chinese style) , a condom etc. he kept on repeating this is about you, what it mean to you and breath this in, the time, what is the time, the time is significant and he picked up random objects and went this is you, it represents you, c'mon what does it mean to you, this is about your present, future and past.
I was still dumbfounded to say a word, as I was waging a silent war to resist or to submit to the reading.
I understood how some of the pieces fit and what they meant, but not confident I had the right terminology/analogy or interpretation or if I was too busy being a dutiful student or thinking too much and not feeling my way through it which I knew instinctively from the start that I should do.
I found the process of twirling my keys in my left hand comforting and that that twirling process was aiding me in this process and I likened this twirling process to a chain of rosary beads in a nun�s hand.
Then I was posed what does it mean if I put next to it and if I put this here next to these two items what does it mean now?
I was still dumbfounded and still slightly confused and knew that he was right due to I could start to see patterns forming e.g., there was this promo card with the word wish list and underneath it was this business card for this place called COUNTRY which served Vietnamese foods, steaks, noodles, salads, souvoulakis, milkshakes etc, which summed up neatly the type of person I am and it reflected a personal enlightenment I had experienced in which I discovered the one word that describes me is MONGREL :- I am a bit of everything and cannot be just one thing and those two card combinations also reflected back to me my hopes and dreams for the future.
I was now kicking myself for not studying and practicing runes, tarot cards, I ching and etc earlier as this is going to be a very painful and arduous task and may need to take a mental note of the items here for latter reference e.g., Jack of Spades, what the hell does that represent and knew that I should of paid more attention to a certain chapter in a certain book.
Then out of the blue he said take this is yours, and take this as this is yours as I was meant to give you this.
I have now got a bag of this litter in my room to better understand my reading and have accepted this litter as gifts of power.
I am amused by this as this is an amusing way of learning one man�s rubbish is another�s treasure.
There was three bottles in the shape of a pyramid which I saw as the upper pyramid of certain diagrams reflecting the higher states of consciousness and where GOD resides and there was this picture of a guy just outside this pyramid which I related to myself.
I realized that I needed to be more confident in myself and I am not that stupid as a person or as an occultist that I have lead myself to belief and start taking peoples advice on my strengths and weaknesses and my potent potential more seriously and in turn take myself more seriously which in part related to taking the 9 Not Doings more seriously last week and the lessons I learnt this the past week.
One of my analogies for this is I should stop dumbing myself down due to my fear of succeeding and my fear of failure.
In the middle of this pyramid there was three bottles which I related to the Sephiroth Da'ath and the possible tunnels/paths that was possible/open to me to journey through the Da�ath, then he went chose a bottle, you can only choose one, then he added more items for me to choose from, most of them was outside of the pyramid and he encouraged me to pick them up and explore them, I ended up choosing the lip gloss as to me it represented sexual freedom that I needed to accomplish, so in a way I choose sexual freedom as a path to free my (higher) self/consciousness.
Then he asked me to choose another item, I was tempted to choose something easy like a water bottle, but I knew better to cheat myself and be a coward like that by taking one of the easiest options, so I choose the chinese ice tea bottle to symbolize my need to make peace with the way I see and behave towards my own race.
At the bottom of the litter pile was this pink piece of paper with the quote What would the world be like if the great thinkers, writers and philosophers kept quite? I saw this as the beginning of an individual�s journey on the path of self-discovery and enlightenment.
He kept putting litter in between the bottom of the pyramid and the pink piece of paper.
I realized how cluttered my life was and realized there was stuff I needed to get rid of (even if some of the stuff that I need to get rid of I cannot see or understand what to get rid of at this present moment) and I needed to get my terminology right and start classifying stuff correctly to make the clutter more organized, then I was thinking about the chaos pattern and how I am more of a CHAOS person so how much of this litter should I organize? But I know I should get the classifications right.
Outside of that upper pyramid was other litter which he said was your future.
One of them was a yellow fly swat, which I interpret as that I will eventually handle irritating situations with more style and less effort and more maturity as oppose to my life right now in which he pointed out that there are a lot of weapons in the litter.
I know that each individual litter or groups can represent my actual real future, my hopes and dreams for the future and just plain old red herrings designed to complicate an already complicated situation(s).
After the reading, he thanked me for taking him seriously and not say shut up and this is BS like everyone else and I replied back thank you and that I am glad I decided to come and talk to him and both agreed this reading wasn't what we had in mind happening that day at all.
He complimented on me on my CHAOS in terms that I was a CHAOS person who is very rebellious and defiant and too modern for my own kind.
I was floored and taken back as I am not used to people complementing me on my CHAOS personality as people tend not to be handle it and disappear from my life WHETHER it is them cutting ties with me OR ME slowly nudging them out of my life due to them not being able to handle my CHAOS.
AS I am writing this, I have just made peace with my CHAOTIC side and nature and the trick now is to remember it and not forget about it like some revelations I have made in the past.
In turn I feel another stage of the crystallization stage happening and am really eager to see what kind of fugly (f***ing ugly) beautiful moth I will turn into and that I shouldn't be afraid to let the monster(s) that I am trying to hold back from emerging from me.
EPILOGUE FOOTNOTES
Part I
*I have observed that knowledge and understanding comes in trickles, which leads to frustration and then BAMM comes a torrent of knowledge and understanding like what has happened to me the past week and this is a natural process, so this is one of the reasons why it is of utmost important to keep improving your mental and emotional strength/barriers by methods of doings like uncluttering your life as it can be very dangerous if one encounters one of these torrents and it overflows and they struggle with this overflow of energy.
*In turn, I should take grounding exercises more seriously.
*Provoking people (can) have beneficial affects/effects.
*I am also seeing and treating this as a crash lesson(s)/course on the practical side/nature of occult/shaman/sorcery etc. workings.
*I have finally now gained the much needed understanding and clarity regarding the functions of the Sephiroth and the related paths to them which I have been struggling with majorly.
e.g, Instead of knowing it on a scholarly level and repeating it for word for word, I can finally feel the essence of them through my body and I know at times like this I have finally made the necessary breakthrough(s).
*I have gained more clarity and understanding regarding LHP, both western and eastern ways.
*I do agree that when one is a child that is mean they form their impressions and mechanical ways of their motor skills due to the environmental and social conditions again, however there is another time frame which is as equally important, which is the time frame of late teens or about the time the individual leaves home to the age of 30 (roughly) as this is the time when the individuals true character/being emerges and struggles to break free and this process has been misinterpreted very badly most of the time and there should be more support for this age group.
*I am not a JEDI but a DARK JEDI (SITH), so stop trying to kid myself as that is the only person I am kidding on this matter and be comfortable with the choices I have made on this path and where I stand/am positioned on this path and the reasons why.
WHATS DONE IS DONE so COME WHAT MAY
More positive and chirpy? Yeah, I know!!!! Just couldn�t find a chirpier may to express it.
*I also understand some of these litter may not end up so beneficial to me.
*I also understand that some will see this reading as WTF and amateurishly dangerous.
*As it is possible that he winged some of the process
Belief IS Reality and one is taught/encouraged to come up with their own system of magick and I believe he has found his own system of magick even though he may not be fully aware of that fact.
Also, this was the tail end of a period of self-discovery of personal power for me, so I was meant to partake in this reading.
*What I understand is that he is what I term a WILD NATURAL SORCERER.
*Someone who is naturally talented but not properly trained in terms of occult thought and occult standards.
*I in turn should stop trying letting the process of knowledge assimilating and transmutation interfere with my own WILD NATURAL SOCCERRERNESS as that is an important part/source of my own personal power.
*I would say that these types of practitioners have one of the most intense energetic energy fields I have sensed in my life so far, which ties in with my experience that one�s energy field(s) gets stronger and more forceful in nature with time and experience (he is in his 50�s) and that people seeing/sensing energy as good vs. evil and not feeling it as just intense energy and erroneously labeling it bad limits one in sensing the true energy vibrations/signature of the energy field they are sensing.
*The energy I felt from him was liken to our energies exchanging and informed him that he is most likely a psychic vampire and he agreed that I in turn was one.
*I should take him seriously on that I am a psychic vampire and stop worrying that I don�t meet all the suppose qualifications to be classed/labeled as one?
*Which in turn stop worrying if I am actually a shaman or not?
e.g,
I have not to my current recollection have had my soul torn to pieces and put back together (am I thinking too literally on this?), however I have been contacted by organic beings in forms of animals and had someone die after I made a major decision regarding my spiritual/LHP path which coincided with the time period of my 30th birthday and always had to sacrifice something in order to get where I am even though I was blind to the fact that I was sacrificing something up due to my wrong views and ego behaviour clouding these exchange processes, but everyone goes through these kinds of tradeoffs on the spiritual path, so this really isn't a sign of if I have been called to be a shaman?
*In turn I should from now on try and volunteer offerings to sacrifice to show my devotion, commitment and gratitude (like choosing that lip gloss and chinese ice tea bottle)? Than being made to give up something when not ready to give it up.
Stupid question as I know the answer to as I am writing this.
(See why communication with other people on the same path or group as you and writing your thoughts down say journals or essay an important part of the spiritual/LHP/occult path?)
*Just realized that I was the one doing most of the reading and he was poking and prodding me all the way across the finish line.
(Another reason why journal/essay writing/communication process is important)
*Should stop procrastinating and finally get my rune stones, tarot cards, i ching and get my alters and portals etc set up now.
*Very nervous over the next stage of my development as I feel it will be liken to a baptism ritual (a commitment ritual) and not sure if I am worthy of it.
Part II
*Am I being honest enough with myself regarding why I am on the LHP and why I am about to fully commit myself to the darker currents of the LHP?
*IS it worth it to sacrifice everything for my devotion and love of the LHP?
*Hesitant now if I should post this and have this advice ringing in my head:- How much criticism do you want? What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, right?
Part III
*Moving out of the backpackers and into a hostel and taking up a Hospitality Management Course has been one of the best decisions and trade-offs so far.
I am slightly dumbfounded and confused as I procrastinated moving out of the backpackers for months on end, paralyzed by doubts and what ifs.
*So was something giving me a guiding push in the right direction?
As I always have felt that when I get sidetracked for too long, I get a mighty shove in the direction I am supposed to be going/traversing.
* My procrastination is one of my strengths that I need to channel and fine tune?
*Am I getting procrastination and sense of timing mixed up?
As I have a strong history of jumping ship at the right time even though I think I am doing the wrong thing and just reacting and in turn have developed a reputation as always going where the grass is greener in a bad context by the uninitiated which is a very difficult negative force to neutralize or contain.
PART IV
I have a bad habit of not sharing/revealing my progress as I am bashful and scared of the feedback and repercussions of the feedback.
e.g., I recently was able to physically experience time slowing down and speeding down and experimenting with the speed and at times I understood the old stories like the faieries in the cave and the Greek stories of heroes spending years in one place and only thinking it a couple of days.
You can? Then prove it.
This is the part I want to avoid, so I don't really share due to I fear ridicule that I am a fake and wannabe if I fail to explain myself in a satisfactory manner or reproduce the above stated results and partly because I know how catty others on the path can be and the divided divisions which I have been a victim of myself and also laying yourself bare and open wide for attacks and hope nobody in the tribe/group decides to have a go at you pettily(also referring to people in the tribe/group for the wrong reasons eg, trolls, spies, freeloaders and such).
One way of stopping being skittish and an introverted 30 something year old and working on my trust issues is by sharing this hurdle with you.
PART V
* Being a lone wolf and having to join a pack of wolves and learn to work properly in a pack environment is very scary for me.
*Am I ready to be an ODO and melt in with the rest of the groups� consciousness?
*Am I ready to be 7-0-9 and plug into the great BORG HUB and share my consciousness with others?
*I understand the two groups that I will be dedicating myself fully to be liken to joining a tribe which is liken to joining a tribe of SPARTAN WARRIORS or SONS OF ANARCHY or even the MAFIA as once you are in, you are in it for life.
*I understand the PROS AND CONS of a tribal environment like this which I relate to IRISH MYTHOLOGY and how their heroes blindly follow rules and traditions no matter the price they pay to show their loyalty which I find idiotic, stupid and a waste of talent, life and traditions and an end of a civilization.
*No matter my reservations, I am ready to submit to the tribal requirements required of me, no matter how much it pains me and no matter how much I may sulk on the inside.
*However, I must confess I have never been a very well behaved tribe member/student as I can get very bored behaving myself all the time (HINT: - MONKEY) and am expecting to from time to time get a (good) telling off.
I am enjoying provoking my younger classmates for a reaction and I admit the process of provoking them and a few of their unexpected reactions started me on this week long of self-discovery.
PART VI
"LIFE IS TO BE LIVED AND NOT TO BE FEARED" - Marie Currie
Quote from one my 20th Birthday card and I should stop living in fear like I have most of my life.
About bloody time that I did.
So, what say you all?
(Especially on Epilogue/Footnotes Part: -III)
Belief IS Reality
Loki Dreaming I�
ps:- 11th Sunday, March 2012
Started reading The Vampire Codex after combing through my backlog of PDFs, that is waiting to be read and finding it ties in with the experiences and lessons that I have gained the past week or so and in tune finally acknowledge fully that I can Divine by Book, my way of saying that I find info on what I am struggling on when I need it/when the time is right for me to know.
Also I need to embrace and get used to my own energies and the energies around me more as preparation for my portal workings and other practical workings.
Also, I have mainly been relying heavily on my natural abilities and winging it, due to my doubts and insecurities if I am good enough for the practical works and to see how good I am/strong my natural abilities are. After writing this essay/progress update I know I need to put my energy into partitions/compartments and learn to drip feed my energy, maintain my energy levels and learn to reserve energies so I don�t feel so run down after writing a journal entry/essay like this or run down after doing practical workings.
Just had another revelation, I can�t be good or bad as it is in my being/nature to be good and bad at the same time
E.g., I have always been the best worker and the worst worker at work, due to my work hard, party hard style.
I have always been a good student and a bad student at the same time.
Lastly as I was writing part of this, The Dark Night was playing on tv, I was puzzled why so many people like the movie and consider it the best Batman movie, when it is mainly about advance psychological warfare and making the other person face the real world and/or the horror of the situation and not the idealized world they live in and if they can�t handle it and they go crazy, then so be it and serves them right.
In trying to figure this puzzle out I came to a realization that I know I can�t help but provoke people for a reaction as I feel it is a part of who I am and it works for me to gain strength and help me gain new knowledge and personal power.
After all I am A GEMINII in western horoscope and a MONKEY in chinese horoscope and they both have identical traits and I also gravitated and felt sympathy for LOKI since I was a kid and am gravitating towards Ny heavily also and when I was a teenager I went around practicing manipulating people like the characters on Melrose Place and Beverly Hills 90210.
I know the above statement is in no way an appropriate defence for provoking people.
Pss:- I recommend people have discussions with non-violent activists as they PROVOKE you with their words games, subtle character assassination attempts, burying your statements under lots of jargon and long words, twisting your words and statements around and deny it, then accuse you of doing the same thing as this process makes you a stronger person, especially mentally and emotionally.
I think I need to find myself one of those this week and PROVOKE them into PROVOKING me.
Psss:- As you can see this essay/update has taken a life of its own and I love it how the spiritual path acts like a truth serum.