Post by K'zin Z'tari on Feb 16, 2012 16:51:39 GMT -6
Greetings
I know what you all are thinking,they announce the Ascension is up and I pop up,suddenly out of nowhere,making all kinds of requests,driving everybody insane,but that is not the case,I have been thinking about my Ascension essay for some time,I have been way under deep,but it is clearing up and things are brighter.....for now.
I remember when I started on this path 3 years ago ,I thought I knew everything and that nothing was impossible for me,but I knew after years of studying Yoga and other Occult wisdom,that nothing pops up easily and the most valuable wisdom comes after years of dedication and hard work and the most precious of what you gain is what you have to put real effort into.
For me,used to have everything handed to me on a silver plate,seemed that this was something worth while and off I went ,without having the slightest clue of what was to become of it and now 3 years later,so much has changed and I sometimes wonder where I would have ended up if I had not gone Fourth way.
The first lesson was self observation and after some time of observing,I felt the need for advice and the advice I was given was to find my chief feature,I was told that finding it by your self was extremely difficult and would not be managed until after years of observation and after all this time,my chief feature is still hidden,but in plain sight as I figure.
But I did not stop there,I did lot of observing and I found out many things about my identity that I had not been much aware of,I saw that I had long way to go and on I went,studying and observing,but as in the past,I see it now that I could easily be distracted and forget my self in other peoples problems and I understood that I had been hiding all this time,always telling others how to do things,without doing any thing for myself and so on.
But things were changing,I could tell,I had studied some of this self helping stuff in the past,but this was different,much different and I began to realize that there was no turning back,I had to see this through.
Then came up the questions about magnetic center and I began to study deeper,digging into my identity,I had been working on the chief feature and this was some stuff,I can tell you,all my life I was into the Yoga stuff,the almighty God in the universe,well,not God exactly,I had always focused on the fact that there was one force,keeping all together,that was what I believed in,I had no idea about other Gods,the left hand path was mystery to me.but a path I maybe had been on all my life or big part of it,things started to unfold,the mysteries of the multi verse were opening up for me and all was changed.
I began to focus on my magnetic center,how was it made and what was it to start with,well that was easy and I decided to come out and open up about what I found out to be the center of my existence and that was substances I had been using,most of my life and that I was addicted,my magnetic center evolved about substances and that was it and I began to work with that and that was not an easy task,I can tell you,all the denial and self deceit and the wrong ideas in my head about everything.
Then began the struggle with identification and that almost finished me,as you probably know by now,Identification is something that is always taking place and it is not until you realize it,that it becomes uncomfortable and you sometimes wish that you could just go back and sleep,like in the movie,when one guy,I dont remember his name,decides to sell out his friends so he can be plugged back into the Matrix,well it is not as easy as that,there is no turning back,once you start,you either go through with it or you will die,or that was my opinion.
But I struggled,on and on,day by day and progress was made,slowly,but steady,I sometimes slipped back many squares,but on I went,I could not stop,I had at some time in my life performed the ritual of Kort'Thalis and I believed in it,I thought it was the mightiest symbol,I had ever come across and the ritual was done in the darkest days of my existence,I had been through hell and this was to be my way out of it,or so I thought,but it did not turn out that way.
But after the ritual was done,I felt much peace and calmness,which was only the still before the storm,I almost drove myself mad in the process,but the ritual was done and I would not be able to rest until some change had come,I went into rehabs and back out,everything turned against me,why,because I was not honest and I still have to pay for it today,I could have been into much better situation of I had come straight forward,but I was living a lie and that hunted me,day and night and I always had Kort'thalis kicking my ass and there was never peace.
Have I ever wished that I had skipped the ritual,well I thought about it for over a year,before I went through with it and I never regretted it,it was the changing force in my life and for that I was grateful,I had some direction and at some time,it was all I had,it was hard to sleep and after the ritual,I felt something stirring around me and sometimes I can not fall asleep,because there is always something in my room,looking at me,driving me on.
And I was always observing,I had come to that part,where I was able to monitor myself constantly and there were still facts popping up,that I had not been aware of,it seemed that new things and emotions came out every day and I was just beginning to understand my existence,how everything worked and things started to fall into place and much happened,but I was not done,oh no,I was just starting,I had been following advices from the teachers,reading the posts and working with others
After having terrible visions of death and dread,there came the article about metanoia and I realized that I had been through something like that,not the exact thing,but close,was it to be brought on from time to time,I was not sure,but I was having difficulties,I was working on kicking bad habits,and that was not easy and I have not managed to do so,still,but I am working on it,slow progress can be frustrating,but I have to accept it as it comes,today I am thankful for my studies of Yoga,though I am not a master,it has helped much.
Well,that was last summer and I then thought that I would be stuck in this for the rest of my life,it did not matter where I turned,I could not get any understanding,any where,and as before,I had to rely on myself,no one could have the changes made but me and I started to accept that,no one was going to do this for me,that was sure,but I sank back into the madness,the drug frenzy and it almost got the best of me,I was finally so depressed that I was going to take my life,it did not matter what others thought,it was my business and mine alone and others feelings did not matter.
Why did I not go through with it,well,I had been wishing that all was a lie,that it was nothing more and when I would die,I would just go into darkness and never have to life again,but I could not sell that idea to myself,it was always strong in my mind that I would have to go back again and finish what I started and I did not want to go back to square one,I had to see this thing I had started through and I could not run and hide,I was sure that I had been at this point in earlier life and had failed than I was not gonna do that again.
I started to cut down and sober up and I relied on that the hospitals and doctors would help me,but the lies caught up with me,I had turned the system against me and I was being bullied by the doctors,just like when I was a kid in school and every one picked on me because I was different,special as some people said,but I had turned my case to the specialists and everything was working fine,but then I went back to see what was to be,to find out that I was being played with and ridiculed and I was furious,I was so mad that I almost lost my mind,completely,all the work I had been doing was for nothing,I felt so small and insignificant,I came to my home and everything was spinning and I felt like being in a giant whirlpool and when I was sinking under,going down the drain,I had little but my hand standing out,I was thrown a rope and I was pulled out and on that rope I am hanging,it is strong and trusting and I go on with that now.
I realized that I had been through,what might be called,Metanoia and I had crashed on the ground,I laid there for some time,broken,but I was able to stand up after some time and I felt this calmness,I had never felt before and the days after were strange but much better,finally there was something in my life worth fighting for and it was not substances,the need for them started to diminish,change had come.
Since the then I have been looking differently at things,I have been more focused on my work,though I am not free of the stuff,I have been able to minimize it to almost nothing,using will power and my work is paying off,a little but little is enough for me.
Two or three weeks ago,I decided to do a ritual and include a friend I had recently been introduced to and after that I slept peace fully for the first time in a long time and the day after,I could feel a big change,I was sitting in a bus and I was feeling weird and then I realized what was happening.
I had been focusing on digging into my past,I had many moths before,come to the conclusion that my chief feature must be depression and I got the advice that there laid the key to who I am,so I dug and struggled,to find out how I had been,before the breakdown in my youth,when all changed and I turned into this crazy person,the addict and I wanted to remember,the task now was to go past this terrible pain,that constantly controlled my life and made me go under again and again,I wanted so much just to go back to that phase in my life,when I did not have to rely on painkillers,when the pain was not so big that I could not handle it.
And that day in the bus,I realized that I was remembering,I was back into the old mood,I was in before,this terrible pain came,the pain I had brought on to myself,I was responsible,no one else,no matter how I wanted to blame some one else,I could not.
I had there up to 15 minutes of self remembering,though it was only to a state of mind,I had few years back,it was a start,and when I realized it,I could have jumped over my head,finally my work had shown progress in the direction,I was looking for and I know that I can go further back,I have had an experience,that I felt similar to when I was very young,one of my first memories,when I was maybe 2 or 3 years old,but it is so clear in my mind,I felt like I felt then for some time,not very long,but long enough to get a grasp of my past and how I felt when I was young,before all went down.
What changed,going through the Metanoia,well,my dream came true,and though I have to go very far to chase it,it is really worth fighting and changing for,it is what I always wanted in my life,but I waited so long,I had to learn and make many mistakes,to be broken down in all ways possible,but without my experience,I would not be able to go through with it and make my dream come into reality,it is a long way to go,still,but I am patient.that is one thing I can be.
So what have I managed to accomplish in 3 years,well,when I started,I was weighing 100 kilos,yes,I was so fat,that it was hard to move around and working was almost impossible,but I was then working my way out,though I did not know what lied ahead of me,one of the first things I got interested in when I came here,was that I should not be afraid to let my dreams come true,if there is anything you want,go for it,do not be afraid to let your fantasies come true.
There was something,I had wanted for many years,and I began to chase that dream,I started working out,I was on my bicycle for hours every day and I walked much,I changed my diet and eating habits and I was able to go down to 85 kilos,in few months,I got the girl I wanted and it was a great experience,I would not want to miss for the world,and it changed my perspective in so many ways and today,I can look back and say,well,at least I managed that,but understand,that at that point in my life,it was all I ever wanted and by setting my mind in motion a I was able to do what had always been so hard for me,I got the courage to go after that dream and that would not have been possible without,what I had learned doing the work,well today,it almost seems silly,but I learned much.
So,by setting my will,right,I was able to loose all that weight and today,I have changed from eating junk food,to eating almost only healthy food,I look much better,I am almost skinny,I have strong body,I have worked hard work and now I am ready to start living properly and it is all because of the Fourth way,the Cult of Cthulhu and the other members and Brother Satanis,who was never far away with his advice,the teachers,my friends here and so on and I can proudly say today,that my life would not be the same if I had not joined the Cult and worked up my rank,I remember that doing the application for Herald of the Old Gods,was a turning point in my life,it was something new and interesting and something I really wanted.
Today,I put pride in having my home clean and nice,I always have clean clothes,I take better care of myself,than before and I have learned that I can not be always trying to change every one around me,it is I who have to change and no one can do that,but myself,I have had heartbreak and people I considered friends for long time,have turned against me,why,they hate to see that I am making progress and they can have none for them selves,but I remember a lesson from Beast Xeno,like 2 years ago and there he talked about how this would happen,so it was not all surprise,but it did hurt,but I will have to live with it,I choose this path,no one did that for me and on I go,day by day,week after week,months turn into years and decades and life goes on.
Still there is much ahead of me,but now I have come back here,to learn and share my experiences,I hope that some of you might learn a lesson from my work,I am here to work and that is the only thing that matters at this point.
For those of you who stood by me in the past,I thank you,and for those who have come here since I went hiding,I welcome you,may you gain what you want and something you dont want,it is all part of the process.
When the stars are right
K'zin Z'tari
I know what you all are thinking,they announce the Ascension is up and I pop up,suddenly out of nowhere,making all kinds of requests,driving everybody insane,but that is not the case,I have been thinking about my Ascension essay for some time,I have been way under deep,but it is clearing up and things are brighter.....for now.
I remember when I started on this path 3 years ago ,I thought I knew everything and that nothing was impossible for me,but I knew after years of studying Yoga and other Occult wisdom,that nothing pops up easily and the most valuable wisdom comes after years of dedication and hard work and the most precious of what you gain is what you have to put real effort into.
For me,used to have everything handed to me on a silver plate,seemed that this was something worth while and off I went ,without having the slightest clue of what was to become of it and now 3 years later,so much has changed and I sometimes wonder where I would have ended up if I had not gone Fourth way.
The first lesson was self observation and after some time of observing,I felt the need for advice and the advice I was given was to find my chief feature,I was told that finding it by your self was extremely difficult and would not be managed until after years of observation and after all this time,my chief feature is still hidden,but in plain sight as I figure.
But I did not stop there,I did lot of observing and I found out many things about my identity that I had not been much aware of,I saw that I had long way to go and on I went,studying and observing,but as in the past,I see it now that I could easily be distracted and forget my self in other peoples problems and I understood that I had been hiding all this time,always telling others how to do things,without doing any thing for myself and so on.
But things were changing,I could tell,I had studied some of this self helping stuff in the past,but this was different,much different and I began to realize that there was no turning back,I had to see this through.
Then came up the questions about magnetic center and I began to study deeper,digging into my identity,I had been working on the chief feature and this was some stuff,I can tell you,all my life I was into the Yoga stuff,the almighty God in the universe,well,not God exactly,I had always focused on the fact that there was one force,keeping all together,that was what I believed in,I had no idea about other Gods,the left hand path was mystery to me.but a path I maybe had been on all my life or big part of it,things started to unfold,the mysteries of the multi verse were opening up for me and all was changed.
I began to focus on my magnetic center,how was it made and what was it to start with,well that was easy and I decided to come out and open up about what I found out to be the center of my existence and that was substances I had been using,most of my life and that I was addicted,my magnetic center evolved about substances and that was it and I began to work with that and that was not an easy task,I can tell you,all the denial and self deceit and the wrong ideas in my head about everything.
Then began the struggle with identification and that almost finished me,as you probably know by now,Identification is something that is always taking place and it is not until you realize it,that it becomes uncomfortable and you sometimes wish that you could just go back and sleep,like in the movie,when one guy,I dont remember his name,decides to sell out his friends so he can be plugged back into the Matrix,well it is not as easy as that,there is no turning back,once you start,you either go through with it or you will die,or that was my opinion.
But I struggled,on and on,day by day and progress was made,slowly,but steady,I sometimes slipped back many squares,but on I went,I could not stop,I had at some time in my life performed the ritual of Kort'Thalis and I believed in it,I thought it was the mightiest symbol,I had ever come across and the ritual was done in the darkest days of my existence,I had been through hell and this was to be my way out of it,or so I thought,but it did not turn out that way.
But after the ritual was done,I felt much peace and calmness,which was only the still before the storm,I almost drove myself mad in the process,but the ritual was done and I would not be able to rest until some change had come,I went into rehabs and back out,everything turned against me,why,because I was not honest and I still have to pay for it today,I could have been into much better situation of I had come straight forward,but I was living a lie and that hunted me,day and night and I always had Kort'thalis kicking my ass and there was never peace.
Have I ever wished that I had skipped the ritual,well I thought about it for over a year,before I went through with it and I never regretted it,it was the changing force in my life and for that I was grateful,I had some direction and at some time,it was all I had,it was hard to sleep and after the ritual,I felt something stirring around me and sometimes I can not fall asleep,because there is always something in my room,looking at me,driving me on.
And I was always observing,I had come to that part,where I was able to monitor myself constantly and there were still facts popping up,that I had not been aware of,it seemed that new things and emotions came out every day and I was just beginning to understand my existence,how everything worked and things started to fall into place and much happened,but I was not done,oh no,I was just starting,I had been following advices from the teachers,reading the posts and working with others
After having terrible visions of death and dread,there came the article about metanoia and I realized that I had been through something like that,not the exact thing,but close,was it to be brought on from time to time,I was not sure,but I was having difficulties,I was working on kicking bad habits,and that was not easy and I have not managed to do so,still,but I am working on it,slow progress can be frustrating,but I have to accept it as it comes,today I am thankful for my studies of Yoga,though I am not a master,it has helped much.
Well,that was last summer and I then thought that I would be stuck in this for the rest of my life,it did not matter where I turned,I could not get any understanding,any where,and as before,I had to rely on myself,no one could have the changes made but me and I started to accept that,no one was going to do this for me,that was sure,but I sank back into the madness,the drug frenzy and it almost got the best of me,I was finally so depressed that I was going to take my life,it did not matter what others thought,it was my business and mine alone and others feelings did not matter.
Why did I not go through with it,well,I had been wishing that all was a lie,that it was nothing more and when I would die,I would just go into darkness and never have to life again,but I could not sell that idea to myself,it was always strong in my mind that I would have to go back again and finish what I started and I did not want to go back to square one,I had to see this thing I had started through and I could not run and hide,I was sure that I had been at this point in earlier life and had failed than I was not gonna do that again.
I started to cut down and sober up and I relied on that the hospitals and doctors would help me,but the lies caught up with me,I had turned the system against me and I was being bullied by the doctors,just like when I was a kid in school and every one picked on me because I was different,special as some people said,but I had turned my case to the specialists and everything was working fine,but then I went back to see what was to be,to find out that I was being played with and ridiculed and I was furious,I was so mad that I almost lost my mind,completely,all the work I had been doing was for nothing,I felt so small and insignificant,I came to my home and everything was spinning and I felt like being in a giant whirlpool and when I was sinking under,going down the drain,I had little but my hand standing out,I was thrown a rope and I was pulled out and on that rope I am hanging,it is strong and trusting and I go on with that now.
I realized that I had been through,what might be called,Metanoia and I had crashed on the ground,I laid there for some time,broken,but I was able to stand up after some time and I felt this calmness,I had never felt before and the days after were strange but much better,finally there was something in my life worth fighting for and it was not substances,the need for them started to diminish,change had come.
Since the then I have been looking differently at things,I have been more focused on my work,though I am not free of the stuff,I have been able to minimize it to almost nothing,using will power and my work is paying off,a little but little is enough for me.
Two or three weeks ago,I decided to do a ritual and include a friend I had recently been introduced to and after that I slept peace fully for the first time in a long time and the day after,I could feel a big change,I was sitting in a bus and I was feeling weird and then I realized what was happening.
I had been focusing on digging into my past,I had many moths before,come to the conclusion that my chief feature must be depression and I got the advice that there laid the key to who I am,so I dug and struggled,to find out how I had been,before the breakdown in my youth,when all changed and I turned into this crazy person,the addict and I wanted to remember,the task now was to go past this terrible pain,that constantly controlled my life and made me go under again and again,I wanted so much just to go back to that phase in my life,when I did not have to rely on painkillers,when the pain was not so big that I could not handle it.
And that day in the bus,I realized that I was remembering,I was back into the old mood,I was in before,this terrible pain came,the pain I had brought on to myself,I was responsible,no one else,no matter how I wanted to blame some one else,I could not.
I had there up to 15 minutes of self remembering,though it was only to a state of mind,I had few years back,it was a start,and when I realized it,I could have jumped over my head,finally my work had shown progress in the direction,I was looking for and I know that I can go further back,I have had an experience,that I felt similar to when I was very young,one of my first memories,when I was maybe 2 or 3 years old,but it is so clear in my mind,I felt like I felt then for some time,not very long,but long enough to get a grasp of my past and how I felt when I was young,before all went down.
What changed,going through the Metanoia,well,my dream came true,and though I have to go very far to chase it,it is really worth fighting and changing for,it is what I always wanted in my life,but I waited so long,I had to learn and make many mistakes,to be broken down in all ways possible,but without my experience,I would not be able to go through with it and make my dream come into reality,it is a long way to go,still,but I am patient.that is one thing I can be.
So what have I managed to accomplish in 3 years,well,when I started,I was weighing 100 kilos,yes,I was so fat,that it was hard to move around and working was almost impossible,but I was then working my way out,though I did not know what lied ahead of me,one of the first things I got interested in when I came here,was that I should not be afraid to let my dreams come true,if there is anything you want,go for it,do not be afraid to let your fantasies come true.
There was something,I had wanted for many years,and I began to chase that dream,I started working out,I was on my bicycle for hours every day and I walked much,I changed my diet and eating habits and I was able to go down to 85 kilos,in few months,I got the girl I wanted and it was a great experience,I would not want to miss for the world,and it changed my perspective in so many ways and today,I can look back and say,well,at least I managed that,but understand,that at that point in my life,it was all I ever wanted and by setting my mind in motion a I was able to do what had always been so hard for me,I got the courage to go after that dream and that would not have been possible without,what I had learned doing the work,well today,it almost seems silly,but I learned much.
So,by setting my will,right,I was able to loose all that weight and today,I have changed from eating junk food,to eating almost only healthy food,I look much better,I am almost skinny,I have strong body,I have worked hard work and now I am ready to start living properly and it is all because of the Fourth way,the Cult of Cthulhu and the other members and Brother Satanis,who was never far away with his advice,the teachers,my friends here and so on and I can proudly say today,that my life would not be the same if I had not joined the Cult and worked up my rank,I remember that doing the application for Herald of the Old Gods,was a turning point in my life,it was something new and interesting and something I really wanted.
Today,I put pride in having my home clean and nice,I always have clean clothes,I take better care of myself,than before and I have learned that I can not be always trying to change every one around me,it is I who have to change and no one can do that,but myself,I have had heartbreak and people I considered friends for long time,have turned against me,why,they hate to see that I am making progress and they can have none for them selves,but I remember a lesson from Beast Xeno,like 2 years ago and there he talked about how this would happen,so it was not all surprise,but it did hurt,but I will have to live with it,I choose this path,no one did that for me and on I go,day by day,week after week,months turn into years and decades and life goes on.
Still there is much ahead of me,but now I have come back here,to learn and share my experiences,I hope that some of you might learn a lesson from my work,I am here to work and that is the only thing that matters at this point.
For those of you who stood by me in the past,I thank you,and for those who have come here since I went hiding,I welcome you,may you gain what you want and something you dont want,it is all part of the process.
When the stars are right
K'zin Z'tari