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Post by Deleted on Aug 24, 2010 5:15:56 GMT -6
Last year it was so simple. But after realizing how much mechanical is my life and are my emotions, after verifying that I'm able to intentionally choose an attitude…
I was lawful and unable to lie, I discover myself being able to deceive in what I used to call the most shameful way. I imagined I loved a peaceful family life with wife & children, it was a time when I would happily die for my family, now I could give up, return to celibacy to get as many women as possible because it's more pleasant, and maybe I will. I was "good", now, how evil I can be… I believed a lot of things, all was false.
All what I imagined firmly "me", my qualities, my personality, my beliefs, is revealed as smoke and shadow. I opened a window to the void and the wind shattered everything.
What is left ? What is me ?
_____________
His ichor cleanses the sin of all mankind.
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Post by alepotep on Aug 24, 2010 23:18:00 GMT -6
Nothing. Now it is time for you to decide who you are. Assimilate.
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Post by Shaz'rahjeem on Aug 25, 2010 0:16:10 GMT -6
don't worry about who you are but who you could become. there's no better place to build a monolith of slime then in an empty field. decide what's important, what's real and what you want to be and hold on to that.
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Post by lucofthelight on Aug 26, 2010 4:09:41 GMT -6
Last year it was so simple. But after realizing how much mechanical is my life and are my emotions, after verifying that I'm able to intentionally choose an attitude… I was lawful and unable to lie, I discover myself being able to deceive in what I used to call the most shameful way. I imagined I loved a peaceful family life with wife & children, it was a time when I would happily die for my family, now I could give up, return to celibacy to get as many women as possible because it's more pleasant, and maybe I will. I was "good", now, how evil I can be… I believed a lot of things, all was false. All what I imagined firmly "me", my qualities, my personality, my beliefs, is revealed as smoke and shadow. I opened a window to the void and the wind shattered everything. What is left ? What is me ? _____________ His ichor cleanses the sin of all mankind. Seems like you've done a good job of tearing down the illusions around and within yourself Yrreiht. There are certainly periods of despondency that come and go as you pursue The Work. This means you are getting somewhere my friend and this should be motivation to separate from and minimize the useless aspects of your existence and focus on what is real and what is beneficial to the life you want to build for yourself as Wizard Shaz'rahjeem pointed out. I've also been experiencing major shifts in work relationships and a personality crises lately and it is unsettling. It's amazing what you can admit you really think of some people when you allow yourself to have those thoughts without restraint. It's equally liberating to be able to go about your business without getting entangled in unhealthy inner considering. Time spent keeping up appearances, agreeing with morons, etc. This doesn't have to mean being an asshole, just that you have a certain direction you are heading in and nothing is going to stop you from achieving your aims. If you are having trouble reaching out from the void, think of the higher attributes you admire in others and would like to see in yourself. Let the petty aspects of existence go and focus on things of true value and worth. Time well spent that is an investment for your future happiness. When the stars are right! K'ara Kaiul Esoteric Wizard of the Terrible Darkness Cult of Cthulhu
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Post by Deleted on Aug 26, 2010 11:31:26 GMT -6
That's true Wizard K'ara Kaiul, nothing is going to stop me from achieving my goals. That's a new feeling, never experienced before, a huge determination in me.
It was probably hidden and buried under my illusions.
Or was it created by the Work ?
Ia Ia Cthulhu fhtagn !
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