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Post by mordigiansfollower on Jun 26, 2010 21:48:47 GMT -6
Without descending into melodramatics I do have an interesting development in my pursuit of the Great Work. I have found as I pursue transformation I feel a great hatred welling from within, an all encompassing rage and animosity toward all things living that seems to alienate those around me. Afterwords the sweet satisfaction of pure emotional release leaves me feeling hollow, as if my skin were steel and all of what is my physical and mental forms has been burned away from the inside, leaving me a slowly cooling husk. Would you consider this failure? It does not feel as such, though I must say I do not often feel intense joy as described by others in this forum. Power yes, but not joy. Not to say I never feel happiness or frivolity, but more often than not when following my other "pursuits" the up-swell of rage comes. I do so apologize if this question has devolved into prattling as was not my intention. Any thoughts on the matter would be most intriguing.
Ia Ia Cthulhu Fhtagn!
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Post by lucofthelight on Jun 27, 2010 3:29:23 GMT -6
Things tend to get worse before they get better in the Great Work. A sense of rage or animosity of one's position in the universe and subsequent state of helplessness is common. But this is good, as it is fuel for your awakening. As a suggestion, instead of expressing your negative emotions, you should use this as an opportunity to self observe. Over time these observations will build up giving you many insights into yourself. Expressing these negative emotions keeps you asleep and makes it harder to self observe and self remember. Perhaps when you feel these emotions coming up to the surface you could say to yourself, 'I am here,now!'. This will help you to remember yourself. The more you get used to not giving into negative emotions the easier you can separate yourself from them, seeing them as a mechanical function of the emotional center.
Awake!
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Post by I AM the Way on Jun 27, 2010 10:18:03 GMT -6
I'm glad you shared that because not every Cultist will experience Awakening in exactly the same way.
If you can remember yourself during this "rage", and if you believe you could play a decent game of chess while this emotion pours through you, then it might be less like the negative emotion "rage" which we usually think of and more like a sudden shock of outsideness. If it's the latter, then you're still on the path as far as I'm concerned. What you feel is most likely your higher emotional centers opening.
However if self-remembering and being able to effectively strategize is out of the question during your "rage", then it is useless to you and is probably what's holding you back. Determine how easy it is to use your intellectual center during this transformation.
After a few experiments, let us know which it is.
Awake!
Venger As'Nas Satanis Cult of Cthulhu High Priest
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Kai'Sigth
Adeptus
Dreaming Herald of the Old Gods
Posts: 32
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Post by Kai'Sigth on Jun 27, 2010 17:01:43 GMT -6
I go through a similar emotional experience when pursuing the Work. Not so much rage but an utter sorrow and hopelessness will wash over me.
Subsequently, when I do experience intense anger or rage I find it hard to concentrate on any intellectual task. Perhaps I will work on this by forcing myself to do just that.
Awake!
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Post by Apsara Kamalli on Jun 27, 2010 18:25:34 GMT -6
I go through a similar emotional experience when pursuing the Work. Not so much rage but an utter sorrow and hopelessness will wash over me. I think this is the mechanical reflex of our self. Because we operate asleep during the majority of our existence, when we have moments of being awake, our self rejects it, for it is abnormal. We try to forget what it is like to be awake and fall back to sleep. When we experience these reactions, it is our emotional self that is pushing us back into that sleep driven state by creating a situation where we lie to our self in thinking that we shouldn't be awake in the first place.
I don't think the act of awakening should be painful, but it does require diligence and "work." It requires a high degree of self-observation at the most critical times like when experiencing negative emotions of "rage" or "hopelessness." It requires you to remember that you are in control of your own self, your own centers, and that you decide what response to have to the negative emotions when they arise, sometimes unexpectedly.
Awake!
AK
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Post by Shaz'rahjeem on Jun 27, 2010 22:21:58 GMT -6
Are you normally angry? or angered easily? it could just be a natural reaction. Especially since awakening is not normal for most(if not all) and most people react to something outside their comfort zone with mistrust, rage, hate etc.
the more you do it, the more you'll understand it. soon enough you'll make sense of yourself
Awake!!
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Post by ragnafa on Jun 27, 2010 22:35:14 GMT -6
I have a hair trigger temper, but only around certain people when they do certain things. I find it easy to feed off this emotion though, for my rituals. And I have to say sometimes I do it on purpose to get better results, This is probaly a bad thing but who said magick was easy...LOL
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Post by Shaz'rahjeem on Jun 27, 2010 23:07:19 GMT -6
I have a hair trigger temper, but only around certain people when they do certain things. I find it easy to feed off this emotion though, for my rituals. And I have to say sometimes I do it on purpose to get better results, This is probaly a bad thing but who said magick was easy...LOL control of emotion is different to the release, be it purposeful or not. the decision to release emotion at a certain time, in this case during ritual is not inherently a bad thing. on the other hand the purity and focus that can come with rage is obviously very good for magical purposes. however i think that when dealing with awakening more specifically it would be better not to have a short temper. especially most people when enraged will swear and yell among other things. and for the most part this behavior is not productive and usually not under control. this isn't to say that an emotion like rage should be shunned entirely by the 4th way practitioner. emotions in general (at least to me) seemed to be the hardest of the areas of the self to bring into alignment. Ia Ia Cthulhu Fhtagn
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Kai'Sigth
Adeptus
Dreaming Herald of the Old Gods
Posts: 32
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Post by Kai'Sigth on Jun 28, 2010 14:44:25 GMT -6
They are definitely the most difficult aspect for me to overcome. I'm by nature a very emotional person and I have a bad temper at times, so when I get angry I lose all focus and fixate on the anger. The intense burning anger doesn't last long, it can dissapate within a matter of minutes. It's just very hard to NOT be angry at ALL.
The Work has helped me control a large portion of the fear I used to fear. Fear of death, the fear that came from acknowledging my place in the universe. It's all under control because I simply tell myself I choose not to feel it. I choose not to fear!
Next time someone pisses me off I'll do my best to co trol the anger. Any suggestions?
Awake!
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Post by 10kdays on Jun 28, 2010 16:51:58 GMT -6
I find it best to look at the situation as an observer, seeing the absurdity of the conflict, thus dispelling any anger.
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Kai'Sigth
Adeptus
Dreaming Herald of the Old Gods
Posts: 32
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Post by Kai'Sigth on Jun 28, 2010 17:00:43 GMT -6
I find it best to look at the situation as an observer, seeing the absurdity of the conflict, thus dispelling any anger. Probably the best course of action. Lately I've been doing better about just letting things go. However it has yet to be actually tested. I'm sure somewhere along the line will anger me again, this time I wonder how well I can react. Maybe just remembering my place in the universe can help. It remains to be seen. Awake!
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Post by Shaz'rahjeem on Jun 28, 2010 21:57:11 GMT -6
A tried and true method is the old 'count to 3' just as you catch yourself getting angry stop and count. this is very simple and can easily become another time to remember ones self. i have a punching bag at home. when something at home pisses me off I'll stop and go a vent on the bag. often however the simple act of stopping and walking away seems to have a calming affect.
awake
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Post by ragnafa on Jun 28, 2010 22:50:33 GMT -6
For some reason this has worked for me for many years: I will raise my hands on both sides of my head while ding certain breathing techniques and move my hands in a circular motion. This calms me down.
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Post by ragnafa on Jun 28, 2010 22:51:29 GMT -6
spelling error/very tired LOL
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Post by lucofthelight on Jun 29, 2010 3:08:18 GMT -6
I find it best to look at the situation as an observer, seeing the absurdity of the conflict, thus dispelling any anger. I agree with this technique.
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Post by Shaz'rahjeem on Jun 29, 2010 7:59:03 GMT -6
spelling error/very tired LOL there is a little modify button atop each post. which lets you edit old posts.
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Post by mordigiansfollower on Jun 30, 2010 7:27:31 GMT -6
Sorry for the prolonged absence. I have been testing the exact nature of this rage I have spoken of. And to answer High Priest Venger I do believe I could play quite a good game of chess under the influence. When it is active I feel more alert. True, quite a few of my thought processes are dominated by the "I" of fury but it seems that this "I" is also an I of domination and assertiveness. After feeling the fire for a while I seem to feel a icy cold descending upon me. A sort of grave calm that wraps my brain in its cold embrace. Leaving me quite befuddled and worried at my newfound mentality. Regrettably this perception does not last to very long, but I have noticed that other around me interpret it as "moping", or some other sort of melancholy. True it has a slight tinge of sadness to it. But I feel that sadness is only the more unproductive "I"s lamenting their inevitable death.
Ia Ia Cthlhu Fthagn!
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