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Post by I AM the Way on Jul 28, 2009 21:08:48 GMT -6
oh man, i was briefly seeing this girl. beautiful, young, nice figure, intelligent, had kind of a dark side and new age streak.
damn, i'm kind of torn up inside. i'll spare you the 10 pages of details, but last night was only our 3rd date and it ended badly. to put it very briefly, she was cock teasing me for hours and i was trying to reciprocate by being overtly sexual at times, yet always respectful of her boundaries. the mixed signals were out of fucking control. it's like her main objective was to manipulate my sexual centers. eventually, she claimed i was pressuring her into having sex and she wanted me to taker her home (she was at my house, we had finished watching Blue Velvet and eating pizza earlier in the evening).
however, i wasn't pressuring her. in fact, it's when i stopped pawing at her and relaxed that she decided that she wanted to leave. and then the ride home was so awkward, we didn't speak to each other. i was frustrated, disappointed, upset, and emotionally drained. all my buttons had been pushed repeatedly!
i emailed her about it today and she got insulted. wow, it seems so surreal as i look back on events. and i was developing feelings for her too. a real shame because i thought she had potential (not as an exclusive g/f... found out about some of her skeletons). but, i thought something really cool would develop. it's probably dead though.
anyways, all that is making me miss the ex-g/f. i'm not actually missing dawn (who finally left my house last week. yay!!!) but the feeling of being loved and desired by an attractive female. tonight i miss that more than i can say.
oh yeah, and this bed attached to the back of a truck came undone on my way home from work. i noticed it flapping in the wind as i was driving behind it and slowed down. i kept my eye on the bed (being the paranoid bastard that i am) and then wham! it flew off and in my direction. luckily, i swerved and missed the bed and all the other cars on the road (most were going around 60mph). could have been killed or got into a serious car wreck, so i'm lucky. still a little shaken up from it.
so yeah, i'm having one of those days. feels like i'm living someone else's life. anyways, thanks for "listening" to me vent.
VS
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Post by sin on Jul 29, 2009 6:22:44 GMT -6
I know people like that. They live in two worlds. One where they are 'naughty' and the other where they are 'nice' - it's a power-trip within themselves, that has very little (if anything) to do with you; it's part of the broken-doll syndrome.
These people provoke the push-and-pull you feel at both the physical and emotional level. Honestly, I think what's probably weighing on our mind the most - is you've been out-witched. She was able to tap the center of your power - that 'love under will'; and that pool of emotional connectedness to other humans.
I think it's a valuable experience, an opportunity to really examine your true wants and desires; vs the illusion you've built for yourself. We enjoy feeling wanted, desired, and cared for; but I don't think it requires a deep connection to a single human being.
When people get out of long-term relationships, they often rebound to the same person they were so desperately trying to get away from - because they miss the connection. 3 dates, and you are developing feelings for this woman. Consider that. What feelings specifically? What did you enjoy? What didn't you like? How did all of this make you feel? How can you use it?
Your chaotic emotional state is the catalyst for things, such as the disaster you experienced with the bed flying off. Feeding the universe it's suffering, and the universe receives, and responds. Cause and effect.
Sure, we could chalk it up to physics, but what fun is that? I think it's far more interesting to make the connections on a metaphysical level at times. Not all the time. Just at times like these. You can transmute these feelings, and the uncertainty of your position in your life to a great power. If you are aware of yourself.
It's like standing at a road, looking far off into the distance - and wondering what you'll find there.
You'll find yourself.
Vent away, it's all useful - as far as I'm concerned.
[pats VS on the back]
CS
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Post by I AM the Way on Jul 29, 2009 10:02:20 GMT -6
the more i consider the whole thing (trying to be as objective as possible), the more i feel like i probably dodged a bullet by disrupting that potential relationship. maybe that's parallel to physically dodging that stupid mattress flying towards me.
yeah, a broken doll is an apt metaphor. i was able to suss out some of her psychological pathology such as her parents' divorce when she was young, being abandoned and shut out by her father, etc.
at most, she would have made a decent friend with benefits, but if it's only on her terms, then forget it.
no chance of me going back to my ex-g/f. and i don't want to jump into a normal LTR with anyone right now. however, being desired by a woman (even if it's just a physical release) validates me on some level. but, like anything, it can be managed. i don't want unconscious emotions influencing me without being aware of it, just like i don't want some woman controlling me or hampering my destiny.
i feel a lot better today; ready to start things anew.
VS
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Post by sin on Jul 29, 2009 11:48:09 GMT -6
It's quite possible. I'm sure all the red-flags were up (avoiding the relationship).
And control? My gawd. Yah, be aware- be very aware.
People in desperate situations, do desperate things. I'm reminded of this guy I know, who puffed up his chest a whole lot, talked a lot of shit - then I meet his wife. Holy shit, not only was this guy pussy-whipped beyond belief, if she said "jump!" not only was he asking "how high" but it usually followed with a "Yes master!"
[shakes head]
A good night's sleep and a wider perspective can do us all some good.
When they say 'time heals all wounds', I can't think of anything more true (for me). What bothered us yesterday, is trivial tomorrow.
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Post by I AM the Way on Jul 29, 2009 12:33:29 GMT -6
words to live by.
VS
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Post by Sarak G'hash on Jul 29, 2009 19:24:01 GMT -6
Maybe you are meant to be alone for a while to concentrate on other things and to regain perspective. On the other hand, it makes me regret the fact that you are young enough to be my son...lol..otherwise...nope, better not let my mind go there..lol
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Post by I AM the Way on Jul 29, 2009 20:10:17 GMT -6
you're right. i received similar advice just a few minutes ago on the phone (from the girl in the Anointed by the Old Ones video). she told me i had to be comfortable being alone before getting into another relationship.
i feel like a heroin addict, of course i'm fiending for the pheromones i've been recently deprived of. i'm thinking of the song, "Just One Fix" by Ministry.
now it's dark,
VS
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Post by I AM the Way on Aug 15, 2009 13:37:27 GMT -6
i'm kind of jumping threads here. the following quote is something Cora'Sahn wrote to me regarding my recent dating exploits originally from the "what's on your mind" thread.
upon reflection, i think i had lost a bit of perspective. this week has been like a paradigm enema for me. the accelerated nature of our dating (we've seen each other 6 days straight) definitely fucked with my reality. we talked about it last night and are going to take things down a notch, casually date and remain non-exclusive. i think that's for the best. as much as i like being in a relationship, i don't want to be tied down to a totally monogamous LTR.
i was filling a void when i should've been enjoying it. so, thanks for drawing my attention to those issues, C'S.
VS
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Post by Sarak G'hash on Aug 16, 2009 16:26:50 GMT -6
upon reflection, i think i had lost a bit of perspective. this week has been like a paradigm enema for me. the accelerated nature of our dating (we've seen each other 6 days straight) definitely fucked with my reality. we talked about it last night and are going to take things down a notch, casually date and remain non-exclusive. i think that's for the best. as much as i like being in a relationship, i don't want to be tied down to a totally monogamous LTR.
i was filling a void when i should've been enjoying it. so, thanks for drawing my attention to those issues, C'S.
VS[/quote] I agree, sometimes a void IS an enjoyable thing
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Post by creature on Aug 16, 2009 18:16:25 GMT -6
Hells yeah, Venger. Live your life, do your thing. Enjoy life by yourself but not alone. Bask in your new freedom. I wish ye the best of luck.
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Post by Lord Void Bharam'ka on Aug 16, 2009 19:04:06 GMT -6
The Love Addiction is a Mother-Fucker... And like you, VS, pointed out it's tied to the want of Validation, and the feeling of being wanted...
But on the other hand now you are more "free"... There is a loosening of the shackles that are you and how you need to act around others...
I just moved up to Portland and have nobody to hang out with other than my wife... This kinda sucks but at the same time we don't have to fit in other peoples boxes...
Now is the time for Madness at it's finest...
Hail Chaos
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Post by I AM the Way on Aug 16, 2009 22:04:08 GMT -6
it's all a balancing act. being yourself, allowing vulnerability while laying down the law. yes, a balancing act and a fine line.
how a man negotiates his personal life is a testament to his struggle for the world. we must live moment by moment. now is the longest time and it can have the most profound effect.
Venger As'Nas Satanis Cult of Cthulhu High Priest
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Post by sin on Aug 17, 2009 9:32:38 GMT -6
We forget ourselves.
When your brother forgets, you are here to remind him of himself.
Those words always ring true, VS.
I also recognized in your response that at that moment - you were not willing to reflect on that. Glad to see you've given it some introspective.
Ia! CS
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