Post by dustedwings84 on Jan 1, 2008 13:57:40 GMT -6
Is it possible to freely experiment/use drugs/alcohol and not have addiction, physical or mental?
I have other mental problems so I can't very well separate between if I really crave something or if its just me wanting to cover up/escape.
It seems no matter what that I'm always obsessed with something, either perfecting my house, my body, my "life" or else getting high/drunk. I go through times that I only take pills or that I only drink, and then there's the few times that I do both.
I live in a constant state of fantasy. I pretend I'm either at a different place, a different person, with different people, sometimes all three at once. Oftentimes I pretend I'm a male and all people's genders are switched as well. I can be at work talking with a co-worker and at the exact same time pretend I'm on a documentary or that a made up person is working alongside us.
It's particularly frustrating when I want the fantasy so bad but the reality won't match the fantasy. Then I get high/drunk and just sit and stare at a dot on the wall and daydream on what my character is doing. Usually he's fresh out of rehab for drugs/alcohol/eating disorders and is trying to make his way in life. I pretend he is the younger cousin of my idol and that my idol is tutoring him, trying to get him to take control of his life.
This has been going on since I was 13-14. Before that I can't remember a lot at the moment, just that I was a misfit kid that had no direction. I've always matured mentally slower than the rest.
I'm sorry this is all so jumbled and all... I just had to force myself to stop procrastinating... always waiting until I'm just in the right mind frame to write everything perfectly and flawlessly without forgetting some little detail.
This is the first place I've ever felt comfortable opening up to like this. I tried once a while back on a mental health board but they tried giving me all this Christian bullcrap saying Jesus would guide me and all.
I have other mental problems so I can't very well separate between if I really crave something or if its just me wanting to cover up/escape.
It seems no matter what that I'm always obsessed with something, either perfecting my house, my body, my "life" or else getting high/drunk. I go through times that I only take pills or that I only drink, and then there's the few times that I do both.
I live in a constant state of fantasy. I pretend I'm either at a different place, a different person, with different people, sometimes all three at once. Oftentimes I pretend I'm a male and all people's genders are switched as well. I can be at work talking with a co-worker and at the exact same time pretend I'm on a documentary or that a made up person is working alongside us.
It's particularly frustrating when I want the fantasy so bad but the reality won't match the fantasy. Then I get high/drunk and just sit and stare at a dot on the wall and daydream on what my character is doing. Usually he's fresh out of rehab for drugs/alcohol/eating disorders and is trying to make his way in life. I pretend he is the younger cousin of my idol and that my idol is tutoring him, trying to get him to take control of his life.
This has been going on since I was 13-14. Before that I can't remember a lot at the moment, just that I was a misfit kid that had no direction. I've always matured mentally slower than the rest.
I'm sorry this is all so jumbled and all... I just had to force myself to stop procrastinating... always waiting until I'm just in the right mind frame to write everything perfectly and flawlessly without forgetting some little detail.
This is the first place I've ever felt comfortable opening up to like this. I tried once a while back on a mental health board but they tried giving me all this Christian bullcrap saying Jesus would guide me and all.