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Post by jasmine on Dec 22, 2007 14:30:24 GMT -6
My whole world view is changing…I seem to have new ideas daily right now. It is dizzying and heady, I feel exhilarated and a tiny bit scared at the same time. I know that usually when things are going this good, something happens. But for once I am not experiencing the sense of impending doom. I feel very positive about what I am doing right now in my life. My life is making sense in a way it had not for a long, long while. I feel like I am really finally getting to know myself for the first time, and I am really awesome. I have a great many fears yet to conquer but I feel like for the first time in a long while, I have the tools to do so. I have my spirits and demons to help me along the way and I feel ok about that also in a way I have not for ages. I have spent so much time hiding in the shadows trying to not upset the sheeple; I forgot to be true to myself. I also forget to accept. Well, fuck them then, I never liked to define myself by others rules anyway. I tend to want to break any rule that is put upon me. All they do is chafe and chafe at me. I have been thinking about need and what it is to need as opposed to wanting. Want and need are two brothers in a sense and as brothers are alike, they are also different. I think I have confused want and need for many years and I am really seeing them in a different light. I see want as an externalization…trying to take something that you may or may not need and trying to put it on or within yourself. Personally, I am realizing that I truly need very little. I am surrounded by impulses and advertising to tell me what I want. It’s difficult to sort things out and I am Awake! It must be horrible for those that never see it, but perhaps ignorance is bliss. I disagree with that notion though; I think ignorance is pain, frustration and most sadly living without knowing the light of ones true self/soul. I see need as a more essential emotion. True need happens not so often for a person who is balanced within, with the exception of the physical limitation of food and warmth and sleep, we need very little. I find that I tend to get what I truly need, I don’t always recognize it as such at first, but it is. Self observation is key to discovering what your true Will is. Self observation is what allows me to step back and assess the situation at hand and discover things about it I would not notice if I was completely caught up in the emotional experience of well, life. So that’s it end of ramble….what do you think?
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Post by luxcthonis on Dec 22, 2007 22:28:38 GMT -6
I love your rant Jasmine, and I am so glad that you have found yourself, and that you have shared it here with us...more than this, i am glad that the Cult was there for you (as it is for me also, for I am definitely reaping those rewards).
"Self observation is key to discovering what your true Will is. Self observation is what allows me to step back and assess the situation at hand and discover things about it I would not notice if I was completely caught up in the emotional experience of well, life." These words, while they have been the reason for this new horrible reality which has been so violently thrust upon me, they also, I perceive, provide the answer to escape from that reality. Should I then detatch myself from all emotion, whether good or ill, or should I allow myself to experience and express only positive emotions, or those emotions which are pleasing to me? I ask for my own edification. ~VLL~
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Post by jasmine on Dec 23, 2007 3:02:45 GMT -6
I love your rant Jasmine, and I am so glad that you have found yourself, and that you have shared it here with us...more than this, i am glad that the Cult was there for you (as it is for me also, for I am definitely reaping those rewards). "Self observation is key to discovering what your true Will is. Self observation is what allows me to step back and assess the situation at hand and discover things about it I would not notice if I was completely caught up in the emotional experience of well, life." These words, while they have been the reason for this new horrible reality which has been so violently thrust upon me, they also, I perceive, provide the answer to escape from that reality. Should I then detach myself from all emotion, whether good or ill, or should I allow myself to experience and express only positive emotions, or those emotions which are pleasing to me? I ask for my own edification. ~VLL~ Damned good question, I am still working that one out for myself. I am seeking to strike a balance between the feeling of detachment and actually experiencing the emotion. For myself, my anger tends to get the best of me, I am aware that anger can be used as directed force with great intent and effect, but it is a useless waste of emotion to let it run wild. Plus it makes me feel sick to my stomach when its over. So I prefer to find ways around it. Practicing self observation has helped me to pinpoint that moment before the anger hits and defuse it with ...well, for me understanding my motivations for feeling angry. Once the root is clearly seen, it can be weeded out. My husband has noticed a huge drop in many of my negative behavior patterns since I began to work with the exercises. So, I am just going to keep working it and learn new magical practices along the way.
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Post by iconoclasm on Dec 23, 2007 3:08:44 GMT -6
I would not call the ignorance of illusional needs bliss.Instead its a nightmare of fluctuating emotions,non-beneficial impulses and unnecessary struggles.
To realize that what you need is truly little and that wants are just wants is bliss.Anything else is a complicated web.In truth,simplicity is bliss and ignorance is ...well complicated.
I don't think its necessary to not feel an emotion rather than understanding why with the goal of changing the trigger if need arises.
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Post by luxcthonis on Dec 23, 2007 3:11:42 GMT -6
Sounds good. And good answer btw, ever thought of politics? haha! Just kidding. I like your diffusing idea. My problem is I cannot use anything I do not understand, and I do not understand how to comprehensively go about such a process. Personally, I actually enjoy just the observational experience of it devoid of expression. I wonder, is this a small awakening? To feel it, and just feel it and not understand or care why its happening, it just is. That make any sense? It is 4am over here, haha! Thanks for your great response. I will keep at it too. What else is there? Nothing anymore. ~VLL~
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Post by iconoclasm on Dec 23, 2007 3:21:44 GMT -6
Well I guess I can try and illustrate.My mother came home and she said something quite offensive.I had 3 ways to react ;anger,laugher or to tell her that her comment is offensive and why.Of course I chose the later and by doing so was spared of a negative internal reaction.Was I uncomfortable by what she said,indeed I was but I realized why it had agitated me.
From there agitation would normally give rise to anger and impatience but because I understood the root of the agitation,it did not and if I laughed,she would never realize that her jokes tend to be hurtful and uncomfortable.Of course her reaction was not positive to my response but perhaps what I told her will make her more aware of other people's feelings.
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Post by luxcthonis on Dec 23, 2007 3:32:59 GMT -6
oh sorry jameson, I was actually replying to jasmine there, didn't mean to make you think otherwise. I will now read your posts, haha..
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Post by luxcthonis on Dec 23, 2007 3:39:00 GMT -6
Oh yes, I do see what you mean J. I have used certain three methods before in ascertaining the motives of others to some success. Something happened, and I knew that there were three ways he could react, only one of the ways was how a true friend would respond. But that is over now and we are friends again. That always feels good. That is a good example of an emotion that I like to experience. I am going to explore further this indifferent observation... damn, I think I'll just stick to reading now for tonight, too tired to think straight (hallucination time) ~VLL~
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Post by Yahn'ikthorn on Dec 23, 2007 8:09:27 GMT -6
Self-observation is the key. I think I have succeeded in the keeping of an observation/magic diary here on the forum, judging by the results - transformation, increased awareness, day by day getting closer to complete Awakening.
I will start a physical diary when I move into my new ritual space and withdraw from constant exposure to the internet. That will be fun as HELL.
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Post by luxcthonis on Dec 23, 2007 22:36:33 GMT -6
That sounds awesome, and I never really thought of our discussions here being like an online book of shadows, nice observation. Since my PC is in my chamber (for mow) I am thinking of delving into technomancy, and somehow synthesizing the magic of the Sigil into that. Anyway, its an idea to take my mind off of other things, to create, to advance, and to more efficiently use my time online to a progressive end. ~VLL~
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Post by amnesiac on Dec 24, 2007 6:22:46 GMT -6
this is a great thread and I love your statement here Jasmine. It's funny how we all seem to go through some sort of transition. I have encountered my true self as well only recently. It hit me, all of a sudden, and everything became crystal clear to me. I felt an almost instant raise of energy, going up wards with high speed, an incredible feeling. I know my difficult last few months were not in vain but had been very useful in showing me the way back to myself! Myself as in love, light and divinity! It feels great and just like you Jasmine I am working on my anger situation for it is possible to anticipate it and bend it or even go round it but not allowing it to overwhelm you! This is practice of the Fourth Way Teachings!!! THE KEY TO LIFE IS BALANCE!
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Post by Yahn'ikthorn on Dec 24, 2007 6:37:54 GMT -6
BALANCE IN ALL THINGS.
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Post by youma on Dec 27, 2007 8:59:31 GMT -6
That's all very good. I think the whole idea is that feelings are not to be repressed, they simply must not be allowed to become one's master. When I've read Socrates' definition of courage at school, I wondered what definition I would give to it, and came to think that to have courage, one must know and understand fear and pain and yet be able to take rational decisions. There isn't necessarily a word for mastering other emotions, but the idea is much the same.
Anyway, keep that attitude, you sound like you're on the right path!
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Post by jasmine on Dec 27, 2007 11:07:31 GMT -6
I am actually feeling really confused right now. I feel like I am at war with my selves. I also feel right now that I am losing my way. I don't want to...I am trying to bring things back into balance.....but it seems to only be getting worse, not better. I am attempting to figure out why this is happening. I feel like I am starting to spin out and lose myself. I don't want to fall asleep again and I am terrified. I think I am taking on too many ways of being. I have a lot of outside influences right now and a couple people presenting themselves as teachers of magic. I really don't know if this is what I should be doing....and furthermore if I cannot figure out what I should be up to, then perhaps I am splintering more than I thought. I want to be true to myself and its hard when the path to self seems to be so hazy. I don't know. I feel lost....perhaps its just a bad day. I have decided to observe this situation while I magically attempt to "right" myself. The one thing I am certain of is that I have to be true to my Self and nothing else. Bah....I will look at this problem tomorrow and see if its in a different light. Thank you for listening.
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Madguten
Moderator
CoC forum moderator
Woe, to he who hears the howling
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Post by Madguten on Dec 27, 2007 11:52:49 GMT -6
Sometimes we need to take a sit down from heavy thinking, and just take care of ourselves. When we constantly grow and evolve the new heights can make us dizzy.(sort of speak) In some ways i look at mental and spiritual growth like mountain climbing. One must take it ONE step at a time, hold breaks, take in the scenery and last but not least gain strength to venture further, in order to get the most healthy progress. Sure one COULD try to storm to the top like a rocket. but i believe this way is unfruitful for most people, they simply fall to the bottom again. I think that you are bright enough to hold on and get through this. Once you feel at home again, you can venture further.
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Post by jasmine on Dec 27, 2007 14:49:02 GMT -6
I think that you are quite correct Madguten....I have been biting off too much to chew on lately. I will try to restrict myself to smaller bites. I really appreciate the advice, I think that its unrealistic for me to expect to have this experience of transformation without a few bumps in the road....I woke up with some serious soul pain this morn and was weak. I am getting up and brushing myself off and going to go do something else for awhile.
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Post by luxcthonis on Dec 27, 2007 16:36:15 GMT -6
Wow, exactly what I needed to hear at this moment (the last 3 posts) thank you Jasmine and MG.
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Post by I AM the Way on Dec 27, 2007 17:29:31 GMT -6
i feel like i'm in a temporary slump too. maybe it's the post/mid holiday burnout? either way, it's lame. for instance, i'm completely blocked regarding any kind of writing or painting. it will end soon, i'm sure.
keep on truckin'...
VS
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Madguten
Moderator
CoC forum moderator
Woe, to he who hears the howling
Posts: 2,785
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Post by Madguten on Dec 27, 2007 17:37:27 GMT -6
Stress and depression comes up again and again in the realm of occultism, spiritualism and the beyond. This is NOT because we are all fragile fools but rather because the subjects, thoughts and understandings that we constantly bombard ourselves with are really HEAVY. Lets face it, we are seekers. But we must be observant seekers, or we will get lost. The turtle beats the rabbit in the long run. At this time about a year ago, i stressed myself out. I felt totally drained and emptied/exhausted bodily and spiritually. I would have thought that i was going mad if i had not been in the fortunate situation of having experience and understanding on the subject of both stress and mental illness(in my own opinion anyway). My point is, Stress feels really bad, but it goes away again. Its like the saying; when you realize that you are dehydrated it is already too late to drink it away. Depression is sometimes like dehydration, in the sense that, it is rarely caused or removed instantaneously. It takes a little time to get better and one needs to be aware of things that may cause one stress, and simply try to avoid them.
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Post by luxcthonis on Dec 27, 2007 18:00:09 GMT -6
Words from God indeed. Thank you, O wise one. You are an excellent addition, if I may say so myself
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Post by Yahn'ikthorn on Dec 28, 2007 3:10:16 GMT -6
A lazy/unproductive/burnt-out period that comes after a highly productive/creative one is probably bit of a necessity, because all the stuff learnt/assimilated/created in your mind must take their time to settle in... it's like our mind is a house and there constantly come new people to settle in, of course we have a housewarming party for a night or two but you can't have a housewarming party every day.
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Post by iconoclasm on Dec 28, 2007 3:40:25 GMT -6
I find it necessary for a mage to distance himself after a sucessful working.Many will disagree but I find duals important and useful here.
Female aspect-the magician,occultist,artist, sexual self (this personage has a shift in self image as well and is generally happy) and the fighter
Male aspect-the nihilist, apathetic, drinker, sleeping self, dreamer(drifter of fantasies),writer
The shift from my female persona to the male persona allows me to detach myself from a working and allow the magic to take its place,preventing a smothering.Because a blanace is established,no one self will be greater than the other and are used as needed.The in between state as thus is gnosis of some sort.
In other words,the point where productivity is diminished is importatn to balance with productive side,this way you don't get burned out and mistaken magickal wants for needs.
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Post by luxcthonis on Dec 28, 2007 3:50:42 GMT -6
Great advice Icon! I never thought of doing that before, but as I read your post it seems as if it is the correct thing I must do, namely, to use both my female-self and male-self, and perhaps seek a merging between them thus resulting in the realization of my True Self. Does this sound in any way correct?
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Post by iconoclasm on Dec 28, 2007 4:13:53 GMT -6
Indeed ;D
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Post by Yahn'ikthorn on Dec 28, 2007 4:39:57 GMT -6
I would advise everyone seeking liberation and the merging of male & female halves to post shameless bloody nude pics of themselves on Myspace and sing loud'n'proud in public places!
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Post by Yahn'ikthorn on Dec 28, 2007 4:40:23 GMT -6
FUCK I MISSED MY 666th POST!!!
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Post by luxcthonis on Dec 28, 2007 4:49:03 GMT -6
FUCK I MISSED MY 666th POST!!! Lol! When I become a God on the forum does that mean I wake up? haha! As for the pics...If I looked more like the woman I sometimes feel like, I would have no problem with posting nude, bloddy, slimy, wet pics....however...have you SEEN my avatar? lol!
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Post by Yahn'ikthorn on Dec 28, 2007 5:17:36 GMT -6
See Grace McDaniels The mule faced woman And she's the homeliest woman in the world
Under the Big Top tonight Never before seen And if you have a heart condition, please be warned
;D
(Tom Waits - Lucky Day Overture)
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Post by iconoclasm on Dec 28, 2007 5:23:02 GMT -6
Despite being a somewhat attractive guy,I rather post my female aspect naked but of course,they need to make astral cameras first.Ah well,least I managed to draw it,though imperfect, I suppose she is also the person which my story follows.She is the strength to balance my weaknesses and I am the weakness to prevent her arrogance.We work in synchronization and move as one.
Such is the will of the serpent goddess
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Post by Yahn'ikthorn on Dec 28, 2007 5:33:34 GMT -6
ALL WELL AND GOOD!
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