Post by Padowan on Apr 27, 2015 0:18:32 GMT -6
I was fumbling through the internet, some people refer to it as surfing, when I ran across a site that snapped a piece of logic into place: www.2knowthyself.com
The whole site gives tidbits of information to lure you into a book sale, but the information is valuable to one looking for self-control. Or its opposite form; to get back control.
Control and power I would believe are reoccurring themes in my life. Someone in my life is making that very clear to me. This whole forum can be boiled down to a belief in self-control. Power over the mind-body machine. Power over our identification. Power over Will. Control of obstacles and struggles and emotions. Regaining control over our own personalities sculpted through our life experiences. Control over fear and doubt. Control over our self to gain greater consciousness.
I've been controlled for a very long time by cultural standards and remained unhappily bound to a man (and other men before that) to meet those standards. I hadn't realized I was only chasing unmet needs. Needs that are predominately psychological. Which brings me to my first point: Who's in control?
I want to be but am I? A great deal of time I believe my subconscious is primarily in control, or as others describe it, my unconscious. It's although every day is a walking daze and I don't even realize it. Even when I self-remember I'm still not in control. I'm fooling myself if I think otherwise. 99% of my problems and emotional reactions are due to lack of control. I give enormous amounts of power to other human beings when I can't even pull my own strings, letting others force me to play along, stay in line, and dance for them. My anger has become a valuable tool of reading my subconscious. It keeps rearing its ugly head every time I'm being manipulated, and there are many forms of manipulation. Not all manipulation is intentional. The worst kind is to be forced into a life of pain to ease someone else's; to stay locked in a situation to prevent hurting others. There can be no greater prison than the one built on caring for others' feelings. I have to agree to some extent to be manipulated. Ignorance cannot always be an excuse. Anger has been more and more a part of my life when it never was before. I just don't agree with handing over my life to someone else anymore. I want love, and to freely love, but not at a price of loss of control. I'm changing.
I wish I could say I got here on my own but credit belongs to my teacher. He keeps giving me gifts of insight and probably not always purposely, and I'm making mental connections in leaps and bounds because of his help. Gratitude doesn't even begin to describe how I feel for the gifts he's given me.
The title of this thread is Stop Controlling Me but that is deceptive. There is no one controlling me. It's been me all along. I've been the mindless machine dancing to the piper of the tunes in my head. It's time to stop the music, or at least be the one playing my own song.
Every day I'm cutting more strings. This puppet is tired of dancing.