Post by Cain Da'arnesh on Jul 28, 2013 3:29:34 GMT -6
Okay I suppose I should start at the beginning? Now as many of you are aware, I've been changing myself with herbs and have small A cup breasts at this point as well as a more feminine physique. What you likely aren't aware of is the toll this has taken on me mentally. Yeah there have been times when I've broken down back there and just cried. And I have been known to even cry myself to sleep sometimes because it's very hard. I can't really explain it?
I even have suicidal thoughts sometimes. At first, I was going to hang myself. Then I decided to "borrow" my mother-in-law's pistol and walk outside before I put it in my mouth and pulled the trigger. Now this is important to note that I would do it outside as I realize somebody has to clean that up and I honestly don't want to be a burden. Then I thought about perhaps walking out to the highway not far from here and throwing myself in front of a speeding car, but almost immediately dismissed that idea as well because whomever was driving that car would have to live with my death on their conscience and I don't want that either. Eventually I decided on slashing my wrists! Now I know I'd want to do a lengthwise incision on each vein on each wrist for a total of 2 incisions on each wrist to insure that I lose enough blood for the desirable outcome, being death!
Now I evidently haven't done this! And I have sought help after one of the "incidents" where I stared at the kitchen knives and my wrists and thought about it for a minute or two. When a good friend of mine who also happens to be gender fluid learned that I was hurting, she sent me to a website called Laura's Playground where they have crisis rooms for suicidal trans people such as myself. The mod there was a nice lady who gave me some instructions and so I joined a support group and hired a gender therapist to talk about my issues with. So far, we've only had one session of each and we're just getting down some basic facts so she knows what she's dealing with. I understand that it's important to shoot straight on this one.
However, that's really not all of the story. Earlier yesterday, my wife confronted me. She said that after doing some research, she suspects that I have "gender identity disorder" or "gender dysphoria" as it's known these days. I find that interesting as my therapist has said the same thing. She said that she wishes that I get diagnosed and go on a hormone regimen in order to make me better and whole again. Evidently in her culture (Lakota Sioux), trans people are looked upon as sacred as we can embody both genders and fill both roles and she wishes to help me... Honestly, I'm still in shock here and have no idea how to react.
I do have a plan however! I meet up again with my gender therapist on the 2nd of next month. When this happens, I'm going to request that she mail me a letter to take to my doctor about those hormone pills. I'm going to ask her to do this simply because I haven't the foggiest notion how to even begin this conversation. I mean, lets be honest here. This isn't something you talk about every day! Also, there's a short list of things I'd like to get. Certain grooming supplies and I also need a haircut. I also want to buy a journal so I can make entries about my journey as I believe personal reflection upon my evolution is important in this instance.
I even have suicidal thoughts sometimes. At first, I was going to hang myself. Then I decided to "borrow" my mother-in-law's pistol and walk outside before I put it in my mouth and pulled the trigger. Now this is important to note that I would do it outside as I realize somebody has to clean that up and I honestly don't want to be a burden. Then I thought about perhaps walking out to the highway not far from here and throwing myself in front of a speeding car, but almost immediately dismissed that idea as well because whomever was driving that car would have to live with my death on their conscience and I don't want that either. Eventually I decided on slashing my wrists! Now I know I'd want to do a lengthwise incision on each vein on each wrist for a total of 2 incisions on each wrist to insure that I lose enough blood for the desirable outcome, being death!
Now I evidently haven't done this! And I have sought help after one of the "incidents" where I stared at the kitchen knives and my wrists and thought about it for a minute or two. When a good friend of mine who also happens to be gender fluid learned that I was hurting, she sent me to a website called Laura's Playground where they have crisis rooms for suicidal trans people such as myself. The mod there was a nice lady who gave me some instructions and so I joined a support group and hired a gender therapist to talk about my issues with. So far, we've only had one session of each and we're just getting down some basic facts so she knows what she's dealing with. I understand that it's important to shoot straight on this one.
However, that's really not all of the story. Earlier yesterday, my wife confronted me. She said that after doing some research, she suspects that I have "gender identity disorder" or "gender dysphoria" as it's known these days. I find that interesting as my therapist has said the same thing. She said that she wishes that I get diagnosed and go on a hormone regimen in order to make me better and whole again. Evidently in her culture (Lakota Sioux), trans people are looked upon as sacred as we can embody both genders and fill both roles and she wishes to help me... Honestly, I'm still in shock here and have no idea how to react.
I do have a plan however! I meet up again with my gender therapist on the 2nd of next month. When this happens, I'm going to request that she mail me a letter to take to my doctor about those hormone pills. I'm going to ask her to do this simply because I haven't the foggiest notion how to even begin this conversation. I mean, lets be honest here. This isn't something you talk about every day! Also, there's a short list of things I'd like to get. Certain grooming supplies and I also need a haircut. I also want to buy a journal so I can make entries about my journey as I believe personal reflection upon my evolution is important in this instance.