Post by Cain Da'arnesh on Mar 19, 2013 19:48:35 GMT -6
Now a while ago back there, I was contemplating suicide. I had just had it. I now know why that was anyway. You see, once upon a time, I was so goddamn sure of who and what I was. I knew exactly what to do and had a pretty good idea of how to get there. These days, nothing is so clear anymore. Anyway, I intended to take my father-in-law's .357 revolver out of there, go outside, put it in my mouth, pull back the hammer, and pull the trigger. To just end it all! No more me! To this day, I do not understand why I didn't do it...
I suppose the simple and selfless answer would be to say that I didn't do it because of all of the people who would miss me. Because I have touched so many lives and many even consider me some sort of hero. I don't think of myself like that. I just do what I believe to be right. I could say that, but I know that wouldn't be true. This is about the microcosm, me. Not the macrocosm. It would be erroneous to presume others would factor into this somehow. I could say it was because of my wife and her health? For some time now, I have devoted myself to getting her better and healthy once again. I could say that, although I feel it carries the same flaw as the first speculation.
I could say that it was the allure of the "undiscovered country?" That if I did decide to kill myself, I would never have the excitement of exploring myself and figuring out just what I am? This one is a bit more difficult to dismiss I'll confess and it may just be the answer I'm seeking? Although there's still something in the back of my mind. Something I can't quite put my finger on that's gnawing away at me somehow...
I suppose the simple and selfless answer would be to say that I didn't do it because of all of the people who would miss me. Because I have touched so many lives and many even consider me some sort of hero. I don't think of myself like that. I just do what I believe to be right. I could say that, but I know that wouldn't be true. This is about the microcosm, me. Not the macrocosm. It would be erroneous to presume others would factor into this somehow. I could say it was because of my wife and her health? For some time now, I have devoted myself to getting her better and healthy once again. I could say that, although I feel it carries the same flaw as the first speculation.
I could say that it was the allure of the "undiscovered country?" That if I did decide to kill myself, I would never have the excitement of exploring myself and figuring out just what I am? This one is a bit more difficult to dismiss I'll confess and it may just be the answer I'm seeking? Although there's still something in the back of my mind. Something I can't quite put my finger on that's gnawing away at me somehow...