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Post by Cain Da'arnesh on Sept 5, 2012 20:49:11 GMT -6
So a couple of weeks ago, I had a dream. In this dream, I got out of bed and went to the bathroom. Once there, I looked to the right and stared into the mirror... I saw myself in my cute Hello Kitty pajamas and just stared for maybe a minute before something started to happen... I saw someone inside me peeling away at my skin! It was a woman! It freaked me out and I woke up in a cold sweat! I just asked myself, "What am I?" And heard only silence as my answer. I carefully got up so as not to disturb my wife and went out front and immediately lit a cigarette... The cat there somehow saw that I was distressed and started cuddling me to help calm me down...
When I later told my trans friend about this dream, she mentioned something about a "catalyst?" I'm not sure, but I started doing some research online and read that if I intend to transform myself, phytoestrogens would be an ideal starting place since they do not mess with my endocrine system. I found a site with all sort of useful pills including testosterone blockers at reasonable prices. I've decided to wait on any transformation work for two reasons. First off, I currently live with my mother-in-law and I don't think she would approve of this. And secondly, it may just be a phase or an obsession as I have a mental disorder and I don't want to do anything that I can't take back. Thus I feel it would be wise to wait at least a year before I do anything... Regardless, Betty (my alter ego) appears to be very real in one facet or another and I know now that I need to come to terms with her...
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Post by lokidreaming on Sept 6, 2012 1:58:36 GMT -6
I recommend you find some quite time, do something that gets you in a very relaxed mood and write down everything you can remember of this dream
ie, Why you got out of bed, all your thoughts and other related thoughts, what you think the significance of each object is, sensation, thought and etc in your dreams, how often these objects has occurred in your dreams throughout your life.
What were your thoughts and what were you doing and how you feeling when you looked in the mirror.
You need to be very detailed and brutally honest with yourself when going into detail.
Read it back once, put it away and re-read it a few days later and see if anything new jumps out at you.
You must do your best to clear your mind and not think about it for those few days and keep mentally relaxed.
Having a cigarette after dreams like that signals that the dreamer knows what the dream was about and I suspect strongly you had a numb groggy dazed and confused sensation when you woke up?
If so, you need to find out what this dream means to you.
LD
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Post by Cain Da'arnesh on Sept 6, 2012 12:47:29 GMT -6
Well shit man! It's been a while... And yet it's somehow still burned into my memory? I'll get on that tonight and see if anything new pops up!
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Post by quasemarke on Sept 6, 2012 17:34:06 GMT -6
Take hold of yourself..... just listen what you told us.... you had a dream the you were a woman and your response is to start hormone treatment to turn yourself into a woman. Thisa is the most ridiculous post I've ever seen. Either you're pulling our collective proverbial chains or you''re wacked.
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Post by Cain Da'arnesh on Sept 6, 2012 22:39:16 GMT -6
You don't know me! Also, that's not exactly the case! You make it sound so simple, and yet it really isn't? Also, I've already decided that if I were to go through with this, I'd likely desire to become something "between genders" if you know what I'm saying? Furthermore, why would I do any of those things?
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Post by lokidreaming on Sept 6, 2012 23:03:22 GMT -6
cainJust ignore his idiotic response. quasemarkeFor clarifications sake, It was me who smited you (not Cain Da'arnesh) in response to your very idiotic response!!!!
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Post by Cain Da'arnesh on Sept 6, 2012 23:33:33 GMT -6
Well I just wrote my piece for later use and felt compelled to go on about the origins of my alter ego. I did not go into detail about precisely what I did all those years ago, but rather why I did them. Below is a transcript of this work for your perusal...
The dream: I got out of bed because I felt compelled to. I felt the need to go into the bathroom. I then felt the need to look into the mirror because it felt like something I should do. I stared for a minute wondering why I’m doing what I’m doing. When the woman started to peel her way out of me, I didn’t panic. It somehow felt inevitable. It felt right and gave me a sense of closure…
Origins of Betty: When I did what I did when I was 14, it just felt like something I ought to do. Like something was driving me to put on those panties and stockings and enjoy myself. It was almost as if I was becoming a different person and yet, was still me at the same time. I just felt that I had to try this out… What I discovered later was that this was somehow a necessary step in my evolution as a person. That when I did that, I felt complete somehow? This is driving me towards something, even now… Although I know that now isn’t exactly the time, but soon it will be…
Also my guardian has already told me all I need to know... He said that I know the answer, but am afraid to ask the question at this point. That everything will be sorted out soon enough and that I'm better off taking it easy for now.
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Post by haskanael on Sept 6, 2012 23:42:19 GMT -6
It was very smart of you to make the decision to wait at least a Year, I think that your alter Ego caused gender issues for you before?
this is not an easy path to walk Especialy if you are married, does your Wife know about it? It might proof to be Important to talk to your significant other about it. Choices are going to be very Important especialy the choice to go down this path or not, for it is a long and taxing path.
Following the advice of Loki on this would do you good.
Awake!
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Post by Cain Da'arnesh on Sept 7, 2012 0:02:05 GMT -6
@ haskanael: Thank you for the kind words, however I assure you that work is already being done at a slow, but steady pace. I'm still not sure precisely what it is that dwells inside me nor do I know precisely what it wants... I will however continue my journey. I mean, what other choice do I have now that I know suicide isn't an option? (It's a long story...)
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Post by lokidreaming on Sept 7, 2012 0:40:31 GMT -6
That is why I got you to under take this exercise as I strongly suspected that you were afraid to face the truth that the dream was trying to show you.
Interpreting what the truths and red herrings in dreams like this is a very tricky tricky task.
You need to dig more as I suspect this latest expansion to your dream is only the tip of the iceberg to what the dream/guardian/etc is trying to show you.
You need to go more indepth
Why did you feel it was like closure? Why did you not want to ask the questions? Why did you have to try it out that way? Why did you feel it was inevitable? and any other questions you can think of asking yourself
As stated before you must be brutally honest with yourself, get in a very relaxed state and plan for relaxing activities to recharge your chi as this will be a very draining process.
If you can't stop thinking in circles, try going to sleep to sleep it off (I find this technique disrupts and/or resets certain unproductive effects and therefore I can think clearer and more objectively).
As I said on FB I am a dreamer and take dreaming practices very seriously and that I have no relevant knowledge in the areas of your struggles an/or areas of progress apart for your dreams.
Therefore you must find someone who has got the expertise to help you in these areas
LD
ps:- practice checking your accounts once or twice a day at the most as this also is a way of practicing grounding and relaxing yourself and other beneficial stuff.
pss:- I also suspect strongly that this dreams represents your past, present and future (whether it is showing you the truth or red herrings) and once again it is up to you to decipher which is which.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Sept 7, 2012 0:45:46 GMT -6
I just felt that I had to try this out… What I discovered later was that this was somehow a necessary step in my evolution as a person. That when I did that, I felt complete somehow? This is driving me towards something, even now… Although I know that now isn’t exactly the time, but soon it will be… Also my guardian has already told me all I need to know... Cain Da'arnesh,
You "just felt" it ? Are you awake enough ? Don't you know you can choose your evolution ? Why to choose this path ? Are you sure "your guardian" isn't telling you what you want to ear ?
I'm afraid you are inclined by your past and your emotions to be a trans (and then it's normal to have such dream), and that after that you are gathering any reason to justify it.
If I'm wrong, then so it be but I urge you to wait, to accurately determine what you are and why, and what you want to be and why, and present your case (to yourself, but don't hesitate to ask advices) in a very structured way.
Awake !!
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Post by Cain Da'arnesh on Sept 7, 2012 1:00:23 GMT -6
@ Yrreiht: But I already said that I was going to wait?
@ lokidreaming: Indeed! I'll give it a couple of days as I need to cool off and just do some light meditation work on the morrow. Then I'll go back to my earlier thoughts and ask these questions and more. I already know this... I can feel it lying somewhere dormant, much like Betty was all those years... (It's a long sordid tale actually...)
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Post by Cain Da'arnesh on Sept 8, 2012 22:21:25 GMT -6
Okay I just read it again... It's sinking in presently and I think I know what steps to take eventually. However now isn't the time for anything, but if I do decide to take this step, I know that I'd best be ready!
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Post by sin on Sept 9, 2012 8:42:02 GMT -6
CD, are you in any sort of therapy? The only reason I ask is because your complexities may also stem (in part) from your Autism. Gender re-assignment is usually an indication of gender confusion.
I'm aware of your 'lifestyle' so to speak, and the nature of fetishes typically stems from a psychosis.
Before making any biological alterations, I would urge you to speak to a therapist before making any rash decisions. It's not as if hormones are just handed out like candy, there is usually a process of psychological analysis before any medications are prescribed. If you wait a year before seeking this out (and the therapy) it could also have affects on your sense of self.
CS
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Post by cortwilliams on Sept 9, 2012 17:56:13 GMT -6
Master Cora'Sahn wrote: "I'm aware of your 'lifestyle' so to speak, and the nature of fetishes typically stems from a psychosis."
50 years ago they said the same about homosexuality...So I am a little suspicious of attempts to equate sexual preferences/behaviors which fall outside cultural norms with mental illness.
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Post by sin on Sept 9, 2012 19:17:58 GMT -6
Master Cora'Sahn wrote: "I'm aware of your 'lifestyle' so to speak, and the nature of fetishes typically stems from a psychosis." 50 years ago they said the same about homosexuality...So I am a little suspicious of attempts to equate sexual preferences/behaviors which fall outside cultural norms with mental illness.
I'm not speaking of sexual preferences, but *true* fetishes. Not the same as Kinks, or alternative lifestyles.
CS
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Post by cortwilliams on Sept 10, 2012 0:20:37 GMT -6
Fair enough-I may or may not have some kinks , but I don't have personal experience regarding true fetishes(one definition of which, I understand, is that sexual arousal is impossible without the incorporation of said fetish in sexual activity), so I don't feel qualified to render an opinion one way or another. But what the heck, I will blather on about the topic anyway. I looked into it a bit, and one current line of thinking would seem to be that fetishes are considered pathological insofar as they cause psychosocial distress to the person who has said fetish-So I suppose a person who has found a satisfactory outlet for his or her fetishistic desires could be construed as being no more maladjusted than the rest of us, from that perspective, though I imagine it could be somewhat limiting and/or distressing in many cases. I suppose I operate from the perspective that as long as the fetishistic activity takes place among consenting adults, and so long as the person who has said sexual desires is at least reasonably happy with his/her sex life, I would hesitate to describe the fetish as pathological in nature. Hail Satanis! Cort
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Post by sin on Sept 10, 2012 3:50:22 GMT -6
Fair enough-I may or may not have some kinks , but I don't have personal experience regarding true fetishes(one definition of which, I understand, is that sexual arousal is impossible without the incorporation of said fetish in sexual activity), so I don't feel qualified to render an opinion one way or another. But what the heck, I will blather on about the topic anyway. I looked into it a bit, and one current line of thinking would seem to be that fetishes are considered pathological insofar as they cause psychosocial distress to the person who has said fetish-So I suppose a person who has found a satisfactory outlet for his or her fetishistic desires could be construed as being no more maladjusted than the rest of us, from that perspective, though I imagine it could be somewhat limiting and/or distressing in many cases. I suppose I operate from the perspective that as long as the fetishistic activity takes place among consenting adults, and so long as the person who has said sexual desires is at least reasonably happy with his/her sex life, I would hesitate to describe the fetish as pathological in nature. Hail Satanis! Cort
I understand your concern, and your interest in the subject. I am speaking from a position of having had many talks with CD, and the progression of his internal conflict.
Not to say, that he isn't being cautious, that much is obvious by his opening statement to not just jump into a drastic change.
Also, if CD were more in-tune with his identity I don't believe there would be an alter-ego required in order for him to feel whole.
CS
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Post by cortwilliams on Sept 10, 2012 9:51:51 GMT -6
Sure, that makes sense Master Cora'Sahn. I don't know the specifics of CD's situation well enough to make any specific comment about it or provide any advice. But I can relate, to some extent to those who feel that our society's notions of gender roles can be rather restrictive to those who don't neatly fit into the A/B dichotomy.
Hail Satanis! Cort Williams
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Post by Cain Da'arnesh on Sept 15, 2012 14:31:30 GMT -6
Well truth be told, I have been working with myself through meditative techniques in order to "bridge the gap" between my male self and Betty. I'm also very aware that we one day must become the same person, although in reality, we really are! I understand that at this point regardless. Also, I've been reading up on gender identity disorder and I'm not sure I agree with the speculation that not being happy with your gender (whatever that may be) is in fact, a mental illness. Furthermore, I'm pansexual! To me, gender is just scenery.
Now that said, I completely understand that there is much to consider before "crossing the line" and have no intention of doing so in the foreseeable future, rest assured... Gotta get over and under this!
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Post by sin on Sept 15, 2012 16:18:53 GMT -6
Replace the word 'happy' with 'satisfied'. Are you satisfied with your gender? And you are dis-satisfied, with what specifically? In what manner will transforming your 'gender' identity make you satisfied?
Is it a biological issue or a matter of altering essence?
CS
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Post by Cain Da'arnesh on Sept 15, 2012 22:03:26 GMT -6
Replace the word 'happy' with 'satisfied'. Are you satisfied with your gender? And you are dis-satisfied, with what specifically? In what manner will transforming your 'gender' identity make you satisfied?
Is it a biological issue or a matter of altering essence?
CSI'm inclined to believe it's an essential matter primarily as I never felt "right" with myself? It's hard to explain, but when I first put on those panties and stockings all those years ago, I felt different somehow? More like myself? Although truth be told, a lot of the details are still pretty fuzzy... Which is why I'm going to give myself as much time as I need to figure it out before doing anything drastic! That said, I don't view the world as gender binary, but by far much more complex. If you pay enough attention, you'll find that nobody is exactly "all man" or "all woman" and as such, sometimes little changes need to be made. However, I am not ready... That much is obvious to me. The first step to becoming ready, is to know when I am...
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Post by sin on Sept 16, 2012 12:23:38 GMT -6
In not feeling quite 'right', do you think that clothing and identity re-assignment is a way to make it right? Wouldn't it be more productive to get to the root of why you feel 'wrong'?
As far as gender is concerned, it's both biological and a social construct. Consider gender identity and gender roles, as a social issue. You can make all the alterations in the world, but you'll never truly know the 'female' gender biologically. Turn it inside out, upside down... Really makes no difference. You were born male biologically.
Just think in it...
CS
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Post by Cain Da'arnesh on Sept 17, 2012 23:03:42 GMT -6
Indeed Cora! There is much to consider... But most importantly, what do I want? I do not know yet... Although I have decided that I am technically neither male nor female at this point. I am me... Am I happy with myself? I believe so? Yes... Now, assuming I can, is there anything I'd like to change? Again, I'm honestly not so sure...
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Post by sin on Sept 18, 2012 6:42:23 GMT -6
You are onto something there CD, when you become satisfied with a unified 'me', perhaps there will be no reason for you to seek a gender identity any further.
I know I don't sit around all day contemplating my 'gender', but I am aware of gender identity issues and how they are projected upon me. Take for instance how much people need to associate me as a 'woman'. In fact, many of the pieces I've written in the last year directly address this. Why is it important to pin me down as a woman? Why do people filter most things through gender associations, roles, and strengths/Weaknesses of each gender?
Sexisms Ageisms Racisms ^
Primary in influences you are bombarded with on a daily basis. How do you see a way through them? What affects are these influences having on your sense of being?
Perhaps this is where a lot of the inner turmoil stems from. Introspect is a way to get in the Know.
CS
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Post by Cain Da'arnesh on Sept 21, 2012 22:36:40 GMT -6
I know I haven't been around as much as I should've lately, but I believe you are correct Cora! My mother-in-law is a prime example as she often has me doing "man's work" with my tools outside. And while I certainly don't have a problem with that as I've got the tools for the job, it is kind of odd that she always has me do it and not herself or my wife for example? Because it's a "man's job" I suppose? Simply an observation...
For as a wise man once said, "You gotta have the right tool for the job Beavis!"
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Kai'Sigth
Adeptus
Dreaming Herald of the Old Gods
Posts: 32
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Post by Kai'Sigth on Sept 23, 2012 7:28:13 GMT -6
I know I haven't been around as much as I should've lately, but I believe you are correct Cora! My mother-in-law is a prime example as she often has me doing "man's work" with my tools outside. And while I certainly don't have a problem with that as I've got the tools for the job, it is kind of odd that she always has me do it and not herself or my wife for example? Because it's a "man's job" I suppose? Simply an observation... For as a wise man once said, "You gotta have the right tool for the job Beavis!" I've questioned gender roles and social constructs of gender ever since I've admitted to myself that I'm not a straight male, which took many years of anguish and self-denial (Thanks, society!). At first I thought I was clearly bisexual but the more I began to question gender (the non-biological part) the more I began to see, as CD put it, that "gender is just scenery". Now I identify as a pansexual. I the idea of a "man's job" or a "woman's duty" is archaic and banal. It's on par with the Abrahamic paradigm of thought that men are superior to women and that certain jobs and tasks are better suited to one gender over the other. Ridiculous and I'll challenge that notion any chance I get. I agree with the idea that nobody is completely straight, or as CD put it, "all woman" or "all man". I believe that a great majority of people are afraid to question their own gender roles and sexuality. I know I was when I was a teenager, which is what gave me such grief when I began to have feelings of attraction toward men as well as women. I put myself through Hell for no good reason. CD, I wish you the best of luck in this journey of self-discovery. My advice is the same as everyone, give it plenty of thought and time before you make any permanent changes. Awake! Kai'Sigth
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Post by Cain Da'arnesh on Sept 24, 2012 13:15:50 GMT -6
EXALT! Hit the nail on the head my friend... Thanks to some deep trance work and work with my patron daemon (Amon Ra), I now have a definite plan of action... This will take much time and probably some struggle, but I will get this conquered! After all, I've been through worse...
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